20 Tips for Relational Thriving

Using the relationship science we learned in 2024 to flourish in 2025.

As we barrel toward 2025, it’s valuable to pause and take inventory of the lessons learned from the past year—particularly those that we can use to thrive in the coming year. And boy, are there a lot of lessons we have learned this past year. Maybe some of them have resulted from mistakes we’ve made.¹ But there’s also so much wisdom to be gained from the science and clinical practices we’ve explored throughout this year in Relational Riffs².

Today, we’ll zoom out to do a “relational research round-up” with practical takeaways for caring for our most important connections in the year to come!³

Tips for relational thriving we learned in 2024… and can apply in 2025 and beyond!

1. Align conversation goals. Connected conversations emerge out of a willingness to align with one another on what we want to get out of a conversation.

2. Be self-compassionate. Although self-compassion is defined as sending ourselves kindness, being self-compassionate is one of the most important things we can do for others we care about.

3. Bridge the gap between unshared realities. Humans have a fundamental drive to create a shared reality, but sometimes we see those facts differently due to innate biases we all have. We can work to bridge the gap in realities.

4. Focus less on what you say and more on how you feel. A recent study showed that experiences of shared reality, the other person’s responsiveness, our interest in the other person, and having a positive affective experience led to feelings of connection.

5. Check your biased way of viewing others to prevent conflict escalation. The difference in how we view our bias versus others’ bias contributes to conflict escalation. To overcome our blind spots, we need to slow down and deliberately consider how biases might be coloring our perceptions.

6. Remember that while mental health challenges can be relationally challenging, they also can have upsides. While mental health can be deeply disruptive, there may also be interpersonal gifts to appreciate.

7. Use humor to connect. Research shows that humor helps people connect by reducing defensiveness and creating shared positive experiences. Make a joke if you can, and try to enjoy when other people bring the funny.

8. Don’t phub the people you love. Studies show that the vast majority of us are guilty of using our phones during social interactions and that phubbing (a portmanteau of the words “phone” and “snubbing”) is associated with more conflict, feelings of rejection, distrust, and less relationship happiness.

9. Say no, even (especially?) to people you love. Saying “no” can be hard at the moment, but practicing a kind but firm “no” serves to protect our relationships in the long run.

10. When burdened by a secret, find a trustworthy person to share it with. People often feel better sharing a difficult secret with someone they trust, like a close friend or a therapist.

11. Find benefit in differences between you and people you are in close relationships with. Whether you're an optimist and they're a skeptic or you're a Republican and they're a Democrat, uncommon ground creates a balance between extremes.

    

12. Be a likeable badass at work and in your close relationships. Combining assertiveness and warmth helps you pave the way toward being both connected to and highly respected by others.

13. See difficult conversations as a challenge rather than a threat. When people interpret the stress of having a difficult conversation as a “challenge” rather than as a “threat,” they are more likely to be reassuring, communicate trust and commitment, and cooperate in conflict resolution.

14. When it comes to finances, a combination of a joint account and separate accounts may be your best bet. A joint account helps you create transparency while having separate accounts gives you the freedom to spend money without being monitored and judged.

15. Remember that fears of how a confrontation will go tend to be overly pessimistic. Overly pessimistic expectations of a confrontation cause people to avoid confrontations, and avoidance has significant relationship costs.

16. Be aware of the human tendency to self-justify behavior. We can very easily self-justify ourselves into never-ending conflict. The path out of this begins with awareness and a willingness to act in more value-aligned ways.

17. Be curious about your contributions to difficult relationships. All interpersonal dynamics involve contributions for each person—even if not in equal amounts. Get curious about your contributions.

18. Practice high-quality listening both to connect and have an impact. Research shows that high-quality listening not only helps us connect to people (and feel connected), but it also enables a speaker to think more deeply about their views and become less extreme in those views.

19. Set “kill criteria” if you are struggling with the decision of whether to stay or go. Avoid inaction inertia by creating predesignated goals (and a timeline in which to meet them) that anchor you to a decision.

20. See the beauty in being out of sync in close relationships. Although being out of sync in our most important relationships is uncomfortable, failures of connection offer a vehicle for growth through the process of relationship repair.

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Which relationship tips resonated best with you?

Which ones feel less important?

I’m always interested in adding to my collection of vital pieces of relationship wisdom, so chime in if you have nuggets that could be included in this list!

I’m looking forward to 2025 and riffing on relationships with this terrific community! Wishing you a happy, healthy, and most of all, connection, this holiday season!

As our community continues to grow, please help it along by sharing this newsletter with friends, family, and anyone else you think might find it helpful.

1. Note to self: just like the well-known “growth mindset” science suggests the value of seeing mistakes as fodder for our growth, we can do the same with a “relational growth mindset.” In other words, your relationship mistakes are a terrific vehicle for learning and growth. Which is good news since none of us gets to avoid making relationship mistakes;)

2. Relational Riffs has, all told, had a rather significant 2024. For one thing, we turned 1! And yes, I’m horrible about celebrating birthdays, human and newsletter ones alike. So, happy footnoted birthday to Relational Riffs!

3. If you’re interested in reading more about the science behind each tip, click the link to access the full post.