How to Transform Aggravating Differences
Why that which divides you and your partner can become a strength. Or least something far more tolerable.
During my postdoctoral fellowship, one of my closest postdoc pals and I used to fantasize about writing a bestselling manual. It would be titled, “How to be Married to an Engineer” and be dedicated to the many psychologists, like us, who had naively fallen for their opposites.
We were the intuitive empaths; the engineers were the analytical rationalists. The differences in what annoyed us and delighted us, how we solved problems, and the shows we preferred to watch created a never-ending stream of irritating differences.
For many partnerships, differences serve as the fodder for frustration and conflict. That conflict can contribute to a growing chasm that can, unfortunately, lead to relationship breakdowns. Painful differences are, in fact, one of the main reasons people come in for couples’ therapy.1
Interestingly, although findings aren’t perfectly consistent, a good amount of research shows that people tend to be initially attracted when they perceive similarities in potential partners. So why, then, do most people eventually bump into the pain of differences, regardless of how well-matched we initially thought we were?
Well, for one thing, no matter how similar we are to our partners (or, for that matter, our friends, children, and colleagues), we aren’t in a relationship with ourselves. Also, most people evolve over time! So you may have started out the same on some domain, but changed through the course of life. Ultimately, then, no matter how similar you might be to another person, they are certain to have differences in their lives experiences, the physiology, their values and hopes. Differences are, as it turns out, inescapable.
We can’t avoid being different from people we are close to. But we can2 adopt a framework that helps us to see and respond to differences in ways that help rather than harm our relationships.
The power of uncommon ground.
Taoist philosophy offers the notion that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Taijitu is the symbol for the concept of yin and yang. It is often translated as the “supreme ultimate,” with the notion being that the combination of yin and yang results in a holistic harmony. After all, what is light without dark, effort without rest, quiet without noise, femininity without masculinity, or expansion without contraction? Health and wholeness result from balance and contrast between opposing forces.
This way of viewing differences helps us to see that the conflict between opposing forces may not be the problem we thought it was. Instead, it breeds a tension that offers benefit to the whole.
In other words, while common ground can be a wonderful thing, uncommon ground is profoundly valuable, too.
Consider the following three ways that uncommon ground elevates your closest relationships, as well as you, as an individual:
Differences help to ward off extremism. Consider what would happen if two partners were exactly the same. Whatever their likes, they’d get more extreme in them because no one would be pulling them back to the middle. Differences prevent us from getting too extreme.
Differences help us expand our perspectives. If we were partnered with someone identical to ourselves, we’d feel great about getting agreement with what we already think and value. But without disagreement, we’d trap ourselves in echo chambers. We can learn more from people who think differently that we do.
Differences help us learn what we and others care deeply about. It can be uncomfortable to disagree with people you are close to. But what is we could appreciate that this kind of discomfort arises because it points to something we (or the other person) cares about? As Steven C. Hayes, psychologist and cofounder of an evidence-based treatment called acceptance and commitment therapy, writes, “Perhaps the most valuable gift we get from accepting our emotional pain is that of rediscovering what we deeply care about.”
Magical differences.
In the therapy room, I’m often looking for ways that partners don’t see eye-to-eye, and seeking to help them transform that difference into something they can embrace rather than something they need to fight. To be honest, it isn’t that hard. And this mindset shift is something that many couples find absolutely transformative. Consider the following examples:
The Overenthusiastic Idea Generator + The Extreme Skeptic. An overenthusiastic idea generator gets excited about everything, but because they aren’t skeptical, a lot of their ideas may crash and burn. The extreme skeptic is good at rooting out the things that don’t work, but may overlook some workable and exciting possibilities. It’s this combination of partners that are able to locate the exciting ideas that are also doable.
The Introvert + The Extrovert. The introvert may value connecting deeply inside of the intimate relationship or having time alone while the extrovert may want more variety and excitement in their relational life. This combination helps both individuals access a balance of invigorating connection and thoughtful solitude.
A Saver + A Spender.3 Consider what would happen if two partners were savers. Without a spender to urge the couple to live in the moment, the couple might decline to travel or see their favorite band live. If you have two spenders, though, you might never be able to raise the funds to travel or see awesome bands, in the first place. By embracing the differences, we find balance between the extremes we might otherwise default to.
The Planner + The Spontaneous. A planner likes to be prepared and in planning carefully, they position themselves in a way that leaves their needs totally covered. Their travel itinerary is mapped out, meaning no free time to do the unexpected. The spontaneous person wants to have the freedom to take advantage of surprising opportunities that couldn’t be foreseen. They have all the free time to have adventures, but it’s a gamble as to whether they’ll have reasonable accommodations for the night. So, when this kind of duo travels together, they might wisely lean into embracing their differences by building an itinerary that has a hotel booked each night but which leaves time open for unexpected adventures.
A Parent Leading with Love + A Parenting Leading with Discipline. Love without discipline can yield a permissive parenting style. Discipline without high warmth can be experienced by kids as dictatorial. This is a topic of many a parenting book! And as most of these books conclude, it’s the combination of love and limits, warmth and discipline that creates a home with both connection and healthy boundaries—the healthiest kind of environment for kids to be raised.
People often see differences between partners as problematic. But differences can be a force for good. Like the balance between yin and yang, differences contribute to balance, synergy, and a system that is greater than the sum of any one of its parts.
Consider what differences exist in your close relationships. How do they help you find the healthy middle? Create balance? Expand your perspective? Help you grow? Or point to what is deeply important to you and to the other person?
Before I sign off, I wanted to share that last week we held the second quarterly Relational Riffs book club meeting. We had a blast riffing on Mandy Len Catron’s How to Fall in Love with Anyone and are already eagerly planning our next meeting where we’ll dig into an incredible book with one of my favorite titles: Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me). This book is a fascinating dive into self-justification theory, which I’ve discussed previously. It’ll take place on April 3rd (2025!) at 12pm EST(US). I hope you’ll consider joining the fun!4
Ironically, research even shows that partners often disagree on the reason they are seeking couples’ therapy, in the first place.
I want to clarify that the goal here is not to always aspire to see relationships from a sunny point of view. Some differences indicate that a relationship can’t be healthy, or won’t be desirable. In those cases, we can use differences as information that guides wise choices.
Relational Riffs dug into the pairing of spenders and savers in a Q&A with professor, Scott Rick, who wrote a terrific book, Tightwads and Spendthrifts.
If you are interested in joining the Relational Riffs quarterly book club, but finances are an issue, please message me!