How to Feel Connected During an Interaction

Hint: It's not about talking. Or not talking.

One of the best mockumentaries of all time, “Best in Show,” has this incredible scene portraying an interview with wealthy couple, Sherri Ann Cabot (played by Jennifer Coolidge) and her very senior husband, Leslie Ward Cabot (played by Patrick Cranshaw). As Leslie stares vacantly into space, Sherri Ann explains that while others might judge their age gap, they are a perfect fit.

They have a ton in common, Sherri Ann explains. They both love soup, and the outdoors. Also, snow peas. Most importantly, though, they both like to talk, but also not to talk… for hours. As their fluffy poodle whines, Sherri Ann deadpans: “We could not talk or talk forever, and still find things to not talk about.”¹

Image captured from the youtube clip linked

Maybe this is a case of “it’s funny because it’s true,” because, spoiler alert, Sherri Ann is right. There are lots of pathways to connection. You do not need to be the couple chatting excitedly away at dinner to feel connected. In other words, it’s not the social interaction, per se, that leaves us feeling connected. It’s the experiences that get embodied through the interaction.

So what are those experiences that leaves us feeling connected? A recent study offers some answers.

What makes some interactions more connecting than others?

Relationship scientists routinely point out that the “five love languages” stand on shaky scientific ground. But the framework remains popular because it explains that connection matters deeply and that there are lots of ways to get there. In case you aren’t familiar with this framework, the five love languages are:

1. Words of affirmation

2. Quality time spent together

3. Physical touch

4. Acts of service

5. Gift giving/receiving

Of course, regardless of which love language you subscribe to,² some interactions simply feel more connecting than others. This probably isn’t surprising to most of us. While well-spoken words, hugs sweetly given, and thoughtful gifts can help us feel deeply connected, who hasn’t tried to connect in each of these ways only to find it falling flat? And who hasn’t watched someone else try to connect with us when we simple aren’t available to play our part in connecting in?

It turns out that the behavioral exchange matters less than what’s happening at a much deeper level. A recent study sheds light on these deeper processes—the ones that really can help us achieve deeper connections during interactions.

The central aims of this study were measure development. I know: yawn. But measure development is much more than a dull exercise to generate data. And it does more than leave us with good questions about topics we care to know about. In the process of learning to measure a thing—whatever that thing may be—we also learn more about the thing, itself.

What the researchers did was gather as many questions as they could find from existing, validated measures about social connection and interpersonal relationships. Then, they brought participants in. Participants brought to mind a recent conversation and shared what their thoughts and feelings were during that interaction. Then, they completed all the items that had been collected so that researchers could submit their responses to a statistical method called factor analysis.

In factor analysis, researchers look at the variability of measured items to see whether items are tapping into an underlying, unmeasured variables. They call these “latent variables,” which basically means they underly the explicit things we are asking about. So, for instance, if I ask you whether you like burgers, hot dogs, or French fries, I’m tapping into a latent variable of “liking bar food.” Or maybe, “having the palate of a child.” Basically, the latent variables explains why a group of items hang together.

Learning why items group together is often edifying. And it certainly was in this study.

The items measuring experiences of feeling close in an interaction grouped together into four distinct groups, each of which describes a distinct reason people feel connected during an interaction:

1. Experiencing a shared reality. Tapping into a sense of shared reality leaves us feeling “in sync” with another person. We notice that we share things in common, or easily relate to one another’s experiences or world view.³

2. Experiencing a partner’s responsiveness. This means we feel the other person’s interest in what we are sharing, that they respect our views, or that they care about and understand us.

3. Experiencing our own interest in our partner. Connection also requires our own interest in the other person. Duh, I know. But it really does help us feel connected when we try to stoke our own interest in what another person is sharing with us.⁴

4. Having “the feels.” How positive or negative the communication experience feels contributes to whether an interaction feels connecting or not. It’s the opposite feeling of being drained, impatient for it an interaction to end, or having that feeling of “ugh, this person is so hard to communicate with.”⁵

Get connected by talking… but also by not talking.

Rather than focus on whether you’re talking or not talking, or on any other love language you might default to, this study shows us that what really helps us to feel connected are these four areas of experience that emerge during interactions. That is, when we can tap into a shared reality, feel others’ responsiveness, stoke our own interest in the other person, and have a positive affective experience, we are more likely to feel deeply connected to others.

None of this is easy to do, and, let’s be honest, possibly impossible with, ahem, “certain” people (we all have ‘em). But by worrying less about the specific behaviors—for example of talking. Or not talking—we can more productively direct our attention to influencing these four interpersonal experiences.

Or maybe we can just snuggle up on the couch with our partner and new dog and watch a brilliant mockumentary about dog crazy people, their crazy dogs, and their hilariously relatable relationships.

1. If you are having a rough day, you might consider pausing to watch this one minute clip. It’s just so funny. Alternatively, check out this mug—the face of my family’s brand new dog. Yes, after years of resisting my children’s entreaties for a canine pal, we are now the proud parents of a sweet Brittney mix named Nacho. And no, he is unquestionable NOT a contender for “Best in Show.” Doggo needs training!

2. Again, there’s not much scientific backing for the “Five Love Languages,” a framework developed by Baptist Pastor, Gary Chapman. In fact, it’s more likely that most of us express love—and want to receive it—in multifaceted and nuanced ways. Were it only so simple…

3. I talked at length about the importance of “shared reality” with author of The Laws of Connection, David Robson. You can check out our conversation here.

4. While interest in another person may seem totally involuntary, it turns out that there are lots of ways to stoke our own interest—even if the subject matter is boring. We can get curious about learning something that isn’t innately interesting to us. We can wonder what about this boring topic excites the other person. Or we can look at their face and appreciate that they know things we don’t.

5. This is another area that may seem outside of our control—but isn’t. We can, for instance, make an effort to be more present (rather than being distracted by what we have to do next), And we can actively seek out the good in what others are sharing.