A Simple Tool to Improve Communication

The power of "knowing your type" (of conversation, that is)

As a relationship therapist, the bread and butter of my professional life is teaching people to communicate better. As a relationship scientist, partner, parent, friend, and (I admit) over-communicator,¹ I spend a heck of a lot of time thinking about the core ingredients of effective communication.²

I’m in good company with my communication preoccupation. Communication turns out to be the number one reason people come into marital therapy. And it’s hugely important for the parent-child relationship and close friendships. And let’s all admit that when life gets crazy, as it tends to do during the holiday season, communication gets even trickier.

Unfortunately, communication often isn’t easy to improve. People speak out of turn, don’t mean what they say (or say what they mean), wait to talk instead of actually listening, and fall prey to all sorts of biases.

It is all too easy to get lost in the tangled thicket of communication.

There are many ways to improve communication. But my favorite place to start is with a simple practice that people tell me is helpful in virtually all of their close relationships—in partnerships, friendships, family and work relationships, and with kids. It’s a tip I teach in the therapy room that can go a long way and something

Charles Duhigg

digs into in his terrific book Supercommunicators (you can check out my Q&A with Duhigg here).³

Here it is: Know your conversation type.

Two Types of Conversation

According to marital researchers who study a treatment called cognitive behavioral couples therapy (CBCT), communication can be boiled down into two conversation types:

(1)   Understanding conversations. There are variously also known as general “discussions,” “empathy,” or “curiosity” conversations. They involve a goal to better understand the thoughts, feelings, opinions, values, and experiences of each person in the conversation.

(2)   Decision-making conversations. Also called “problem-solving” or “strategizing,” decision-making conversations have the goal of solving a problem or making a decision.

Appreciating the existence of two distinct communication types helps people get on the same page. After all, having different objectives in the same conversation feels about as satisfying as trying to put the toys away while your toddler simultaneously pulls them back off the shelves. Or attempting to row forward while your partner rows backward.

Let me offer an example of what can happen between partners with different communication agendas.

Zoe wanted to talk to her partner, Amir about how frustrating it was to call the insurance company about a claim that wasn’t getting reimbursed. Spending hours on the phone but getting nowhere left her feeling angry and tired. What she wanted from Amir was for him to “get it” and to offer some sympathy.

But for Amir, seeing Zoe so upset prompted him to want to help out and try to alleviate her distress by offering tangible assistance. Amir also assumed that Zoe’s sharing was an indirect way of asking for him to take over the task.

To Amir’s amazement, responding to Zoe’s vent session by offering to call the insurance company the following day led Zoe to turn her anger on him. She told him Amir was a terrible listener and unsupportive partner. Soon Amir, too, grew angry, telling Zoe she was being illogical and mean, that she was an angry person who destroyed good relationships. Over time, Zoe and Amir found themselves repeating this cycle with various topics, from work to parenting to the handling of their finances.

How often do you notice a conversational mismatch with people you’re close to? Which relationships does it afflict most?

Here’s what often happens…

Underneath the many layers of complexity sat a basic mismatch of conversation preferences, particularly around work stress. Zoe most often wanted to discuss hardships with a supportive ear; she saw this as a way of connecting with Amir. But Amir leaned towards problem-solving as a way to care for Zoe, particularly when she seemed distressed.

This vignette, of course, depicts a stereotype on the gender front (albeit with some data behind it). But though it can happen in this direction, I’ve seen (and experienced!) it happening in the opposite gendered direction, as well as with same-sex partners, friends, and even co-workers.

Any two people in a close relationship are likely going to bump into competing communication agendas at some point. Regardless of gender, that difference in communication agenda offers a cue to pause and be more deliberate about what kind of conversation you and your communication partner are having.

What to do after you notice the cue.

When you notice that your agendas differ, you have a terrific opportunity to better negotiate how to proceed. Start with the simple tip of getting curious about your communication agenda. Get clear with yourself about whether you want to have an understanding conversation that allows you to vent or be better understood, or whether you’re feeling the urge to problem-solve.

Clarity in what kind of conversation you want to have helps you set a communication agenda more clearly. If you want to be heard and understood, you can say something like: “I had a hard day, I’d love to vent, not problem-solve. Is that ok?” Or, if you need to problem-solve, you might try: “Ugh, I’m struggling with how work is going. I don’t just want sympathetic support; I want a thought partner to help me figure out the next steps. Would you be willing?”

You can level up in this skill set by building awareness of when a conversation is going off the rails. Know the signs and use them to prompt a pause in conversation where you ask, “Hold up, what kind of conversation are you trying to have with me, a discussion or a decision-making conversation?"

The nutshell version.

Making this simple tool a little simpler involves three distinct steps:

1. Get clear about what kind of communication you are hoping to have.

2. Be clear with your communication partner about your communication type.

3. When a conversation gets frustrating, pause and clarify what each of your communication agendas are.

Know your communication type. It’ll help you and your conversation partner to row in the same direction.

1. Warning signs that you, like me, may be an overcommunicator include irritation from your partner (or friends and colleagues) about the number of words in an email/text used, or that your throat hurts at the end of what you consider a “good” conversation.

2. In this post, I’m digging into communication, even though in a past post, I shed light on an important research finding: that communication doesn’t predict relationship happiness or relationship stability. If you want to know more about the “great communication debate” controversy and why I still think communication tools are useful, check out the full post here.

3. Duhigg’s book and our conversation also show up in a Washington Post article I wrote on this same topic. You can check that out here.