Tools of Connection in Times of Stress

A Q&A to lower our blood pressure, with author and psychologist Adam Dorsay

Nov 05, 2024

This Q&A with psychologist, author, and all-around lovely human Adam Dorsay, is being released on a tense day (ominous music plays…), Election Day. On the one hand, this conversation has nothing to do with the election. On the other hand, a day like today—one that tests the limits of our collective stress levels—is exactly the right kind of day to discuss practices for connecting. After all, studies show that connecting calms our nervous systems, supports our mental health, helps us navigate stress more skillfully, and fosters more optimism. So, take a deep breath on this stressful day and enjoy some wisdom on connecting with the wonderful Adam Dorsay.

Yael: The backstory of this conversation is that Adam and I have been friends for a while. I've been on his podcast. He came on the Psychologist Off the Clock Podcast when I was still co-hosting. And I’ve become a huge fan of Adam’s—he is just so lovely to connect with!

In the lead-up to this Q&A about Adam’s new book, Super Psyched, I got to thinking that in parallel fashion to Charles Duhigg’s recent book, titled Supercommunicators,1 Adam’s new book offers guidance for being a “super-connector.” Adam’s podcast audience hears each week through conversations he hosts on his podcast that he is insanely skilled at connecting!

So Adam, I wondered if you could start us off by sharing some of the things that you do as a podcast host to be a “super-connector.”

Adam: According to my mom, I was the most connective baby she'd ever seen. I just came out of the womb needing to say hi to everybody. It wasn't like a princess waving off of a parade float, it was more that I was curious about everybody. I'm a seeker of people's stories, genuinely curious to hear who people are and what floats their boat.

I was a bank teller during graduate school. I hated the job initially. But then I was reading Man's Search For Meaning.2 And as I was reading, I thought, “Wow. So, Viktor Frankl was in a situation infinitely worse than this but found meaning. How can I like turn this around? I see 120 people a day and I'm curious about people. What if I could make 119 of them smile, if not laugh?” I still use that technology when I'm connecting with my guests.

If I can find a way to imbue some form of levity, right from the outset, we've got something that's kindling for connection. Of course, sometimes my jokes flop. But my hit-to-miss ratio has improved over the years and I've practiced it and I've been willing to flop.

Using humor to connect.

Yael: Given that humor can be such a powerful tool for connection, what are some tools that we can use to up the levity? Especially for those of us who are not naturally gifted joke tellers.3

Adam: Well, you don't have to be funny. You don't have to be funny at all. That's the basic premise of improv. All you need to do is “yes, and,”4 and go with what is. Sitting in the not-knowing and being willing to try something, maybe something light about the situation, whatever it might be. And it helps to be gentle with ourselves and be willing to make a fool of ourselves a little bit in order to connect.

When I was learning Japanese, the attrition rate from day one was 90%. This was a course at Pomona College where there were a lot of perfectionists and kids who were valedictorians and salutorians. They were used to doing well. But we can get much further when we're willing to screw up and be gentle with ourselves, be curious and see how things go, and realize this is a long game about building a muscle that's going to serve us. We can all learn to do this.

Yael: Two things pop out for me in what you’re sharing. One is the importance of finding that balance of taking yourself seriously but not too seriously. The second thing is that I'm remembering that, at one point in a book club, we discussed a terrific book called Humor, Seriously by Stanford faculty Jennifer Aaker and Naomi Bagdonas. It’s all about the science of being funny in business and life. One of the most reassuring pieces of science that came out of that book (for me, as a not-terribly-funny person) is that you can offer levity if you're willing to laugh at other people's jokes. That piece of science takes the pressure off because you can love laughing at other people's jokes, even if you’re bad at coming up with them.

Adam: You know, Gillian Anderson was on John Stewart years ago, and I remember her laughing so heartily. She wasn't bringing the funny, he was. But somehow by extension, as you said, she became so much more likable and by extension. Kind of funny-adjacent.

Use curiosity to connect.

Yael: Ok, so what are some of the other attributes or ways of showing up that help us feel connected to others?

Adam: Mutual curiosity. I feel connected when it's not just a one-way upload of me saying, “I'm curious about you,” but rather something more mutual. When that happens, it’s a lovely fusion of intellectual capacity as well as a feeling capacity, some type of emotional intelligence. When those two things come into harmony, I go outta my mind. This is catnip for me! Like, “Wow, they are interesting, and they are also interested.”

And it doesn't really matter what they're into. It could be something that I'm interested in, like travel, or it could be something I'm not interested in at all, like, like beekeeping. But if they are enthusiastic about a thing and they can articulate it so I can join them in their excitement about that thing, even if it's something I never wish to do in my life, I love that.

One example is a famous undertaker, Todd Harra, who comes from a long line in this business and writes about it in his book, Mortuary Confidential. It's one of the most captivating interviews I ever had because I was interested in learning from him about something he was passionate about.5

When it comes to connection, start by FEED-ing yourself.

Yael: I want to ask a question that’s a teaser for your book. We will have a book giveaway for our paid subscribers, and of course, everyone can buy it through the links in the newsletter. So, here it is: your book offers so many amazing exercises for connecting inside of relationships. For someone reading this and thinking, “I'm feeling pretty disconnected,” what is one of your favorite starting points for connection? What’s a favorite small, simple way to start rebuilding or building connection?

Adam: My advice is to look into one of these two areas. The first one is activities that bring you alive. Any activity that brings you alive should meet four criteria that are all based on research, and have a cutesy acronym I came up with that’s easily memorable: FEED. Does it FEED you?

The first piece is the F. Does it provide you with flow? Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi studied flow as a science, showing that flow can occur when we are so deeply immersed in a thing and it's challenging to us, but we're so into it that a three-hour project might feel like only 30 minutes. You're just in the zone. It's like when I'm talking with you, Yael. I'm in flow, and time goes by way too quickly. Flow is great for our health. It has antidepressant and anti-anxiety qualities. Flow is one of the top measures of well-being.

In flow while connecting during this Q&A!

The first E stands for educate. Does it move the needle in your learning? Are you learning something in the process? Are you growing a skill? It doesn't necessarily have to be academic learning. It could be my free throw shot getting better or learning how to garden better.

The third letter is another E and that stands for energize. Does it require energy from me and give it back? So, does it provide you with energy?

Fourth is depth. Is it meaningful? We're not just homo sapiens, we're homo symbolicus. We are meaning-based creatures. We thirst for meaning, and if it's not meaningful, we're going to be missing out.

So if it meets those four criteria, we're good. That would be the first place I'd look. I'd look is through a list of activities to see, “Where am I? What would be something I could do that I'm not doing right now that meets those four criteria?” And if you're able to find something like that, you'll win.

And last but not least, reinvigorate old friendships. Many of us have moved multiple times, and in that process, said goodbye to people we promised we'd stay in touch with—except we didn't. Good intentions fell by the wayside because life got in the way. Instead of that, consider a person who you've been out of touch with, who you know there's a connection with. Give them a call and say, “It's been a long time. Let's find a way to reconnect.” It may not work. But if you don't try, you don't get.

.Yael: Such good advice. And Adam, you're one of those people for me. I feel so grateful that we've been able to stay in touch and I hope that people pick up this book and check out your podcast. You'll feed all the parts of yourself if you get to be in Adam’s orbit!

As this newsletter goes out on this stressful day, I hope all of you reading will consider implementing some of these connection techniques: humor, curiosity, FEEDing yourself, or reinvigorating an old friendship. And please connect in through the comments section and share other low-hanging ideas for connecting during times of stress. Getting through this stressful patch will be easier if we do it with plenty of connection.

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