Shaping the Relationships that Shape Us

A year in review, new tidings, and our first relational research round-up!

As we welcome a new year, it’s worth reflecting on a truth we all live every day: our relationships shape our experiences. Whether you sprinted, limped, or did an awkward version of sprint-limping through the end of 2024, chances are your relationships played a huge role in how it felt.

Running with people you care about or knowing they are cheering you on feels good, even if the run itself is grueling. But a marathon, even one that feels physically good or results in a personal best time, will feel empty if no one is there to celebrate with you when you cross the finish line.¹ Our experiences and a ton of social science confirm that relationships shape our everyday experiences, professional success, mental and physical health, and overall life satisfaction.

Our relationships shape us. But whether or not we’re aware of it, we shape our relationships, too. And learning how to shape our relationships is the central mission of Relational Riffs.

A look at the year ahead in Relational Riffs.

Incredibly enough, Relational Riffs has just entered its second year. Just like its first year of life, 2025 will find us digging into important relationship research and clinical practice, seeking insights that help us craft relationships that make our lives happier, healthier, and more satisfying.

Last year, we tackled topics like science-backed practices for relational resolutions, tips for creating stronger bonds, and the common errors we make in relationships. Relational Riffs even popped up in other Substacks, including a recent guest feature on Modern Virtue by psychologist

Selda Koydemir

, where we shared insights on relationship mistakes. (You can check out the full post here. And I highly recommend subscribing to access a weekly dose of Selda’s science-backed psychological wisdom!) We’ll continue to focus on topics like these, and paid subscribers will continue to have access to semi-regular book clubs and book giveaways.²

So, what’s new in 2025?

I’m a fan of continuing good traditions, but also of striving to keep things fresh and interesting.³ To that end, there will be some new additions in the 2025 version of this newsletter. Today, for instance, we’ll do our first relational research round-up. To give credit where credit is due, I was inspired by several of my favorite newsletters that do these kinds of round-ups:

Jacqueline Nesi, PhD

’s Techno Sapiens,

Steve Stewart-Williams

’ The Nature-Nurture-Nietzche Newsletter, and

Todd Kashdan

’s Provoked. [If you have relationship questions you’d like to see answered through research findings, comment here or send me a note by replying to this email.]

One final thing before we get to our relationship research round-up is some news I’m personally excited about: I’m back to co-hosting the Psychologists Off the Clock podcast! I had co-hosted this podcast for six years before taking a year break (to focus on writing), and I’m over the moon to be returning.⁴ I’ll be focusing exclusively on topics in relationship science. Favorite nuggets from interviews will show up here, but I also hope you check out the full episodes of topics that pique your interest.

My very serious podcasting team, Aren’t they cute?

And now, let’s round up some fresh-off-the-press relationship research!

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Our First Relational Research Round-Up.

Image by DWilliam from Pixabay

In our relational research round-up, including today’s, you’ll get a taste of the kinds of research that, as a couples’ therapist, I find particularly powerful.

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So you thought you were being heard…

Feeling heard is good for our well-being, work success, and relationship connections. But it begs an important question: how accurate are we in knowing whether others are actually listening to us? A recent study sought to answer this question and came up with a result that feels true as soon as you read it: we often think we are being listened to when we are not.

So what? Don’t trust your gut and assume others are listening. Instead, check it out explicitly. And give people grace for looking like they’re listening even when they aren’t. We’re each guilty of that sometimes, aren’t we?

Expectations versus experiences of talking with someone we disagree with.

A recent study found that people expect that conversations between people who disagree about divisive topics (like abortion, gun control, and religious beliefs) would be worse than they were—particularly conversations with strangers. The bark of disagreeable conversations seems to be worse than the bite.

So what? Advice to avoid conversations with people with whom we disagree may be bad advice, particularly when it comes to conversing with strangers. We can enrich our lives and connections when we recalibrate our fears about reaching out and talking with people who hold different views than we do.

Rewarding connections require less effort than you think.

A recent flurry of research activity has shown that what researchers call “parasocial activity,” that is, social connections that are superficial, can make a positive and significant difference in people’s well-being. Most of this research has been conducted in WEIRD samples (Western, Educated, Industrialized, Rich, and Democratic), but recent work conducted in Turkey shows these findings are true for non-WEIRD samples, too.

So what? WEIRD or not, it’s good for all of us to smile at a stranger, give the grocery store clerk a compliment, and pause to hold the door for the person exiting the building after us. And because most of us, most of the time, are absorbed in our own minds (and phones), this research can help prompt us to get more deliberate about greeting, thanking, and conversing with people we don’t know particularly well.

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Which pieces of research resonates most with you? How might you put them into action this coming year in important relationships? And what kinds of research would you like to see featured in future round-ups?

Here’s to a 2025 in which we learn how to better shape relationships that bring about greater happiness, health, success, and connection!

If you enjoyed this newsletter, consider sharing it with friends, family, or anyone else you think might find it helpful.

1. Training in community is, in fact, something many professional athletes prioritize. If you’re interested in reading more about this, I highly recommend a book by Brad Stulberg called The Practice of Groundedness.

2. If you’re interested in joining our book club but finances are an issue, just reply to this email and let us know about your interest. April’s book club selection features the awesome book, Mistakes Were Made (but not by me).

3. In relationships, both traditions and variety/novelty are important! Hence why we’ll try to make both of these aspects a priority in our newsletter:)

4. You can get the back story on my decision to leave… and then return on the podcast, itself. Links here and here.