Relational Resolutions
A science-backed framework for taking on 2024
Today I want to share a science-backed tip for setting New Year’s resolutions—a guiding practice from a scientifically-backed treatment called acceptance and commitment therapy (or ACT pronounced as one word). I also want to make a pitch for people to not only set individual resolutions, but also relational ones. After all, we know that relationships, more than any single other factor in life, are the most important contributor to well-being.
I’ll share the resolution-setting tip first, then run through its application with relationships.
Pairing Goals and Values
Most of the time, resolutions are defined as goals. They might be aspirations like:
Start a retirement account
Get married
Travel to Tahiti
Run a 5K
Win the annual pie-eating contest
Goals are useful because they give us a direction to go. But they don’t necessarily help us chart the path in how to get there, particularly when the going gets tough. For instance, if you aim to run a 5K but while training one day, pull a tendon, what then? Do you give up on the goal and feel like a failure or do you keep training and risk further injury?
Goals help us know what we’d like to aim for, but we can easily get lost in the getting there. Pairing goals with a practice known as clarifying our values can increase our ability to keep moving forward, even when the going gets tough.
This excerpt from my book, Work, Parent, Thrive, offers a definition of values, and how they are distinguished from goals:
“Values have been defined by psychologists as the purpose or attitude we take regarding our chosen actions. A value is not a goal or destination but rather a compass that guides our journey toward a more meaningful, purpose-driven life. Values describe qualities of action, such as being curious, maintaining a sense of humor, persisting in difficult tasks, being kind, or balancing demands. They reflect the ways we most want to show up in the world.”
Unlike goals, which can get accomplished, values are ongoing—something we can always come back to. Values reflect how we most want to show up, both in the good times and the bad. Clarity in our values means we always can reconnect to something that matters deeply to us—offering us guidance when we aren’t sure exactly how to proceed.
When it comes to New Year’s resolutions, clarifying your values will offer you a description of how you most want to show up, day-to-day, whether your goals are far in the future, right around the corner, or have (even if just for the moment) become seemingly impossible to achieve.
For instance, while a goal might be to start a retirement account, the value behind that goal might be being financially responsible. You can complete the action of setting up that account early in 2024, or on December 31st. But if you’ve connected to the value of financial responsibility, you have a reason to try all sorts of things that move the dial on your financial well-being throughout the year.
Values keep you moving, thinking creatively, and able to tolerate discomforts the crop up in a way that goal-setting does not. For instance, research shows that people struggling with addiction are less likely to succumb to cravings when they are clear on and connected with their values. When we know what values we most want to stand for, we do better at tolerating the discomforts that arise while still showing up in ways we can be proud of.
This is why highlighting your values as you come up with New Year’s resolutions can be so very useful. If you have goals for the coming year, consider what value underlies them. Ask yourself: what value (or values) underlies each goal?
Value-Driven Relational Resolutions
Now let’s riff on clarifying relational values. Here, values have even more utility since relationship goals are notoriously not under your control. Goals for you and your toddler interacting more calmly at Target, you and your partner having sex more frequently, or you and your aging mother discussing how to handle her declining health can leave you feeling disempowered (because your toddler, partner, or mother may not optimally cooperate).
With values in hand, you don’t have to give up on setting goals. Instead, you can identify goals to hold lightly while using your values as the daily guide for showing up in your relationships. Clarity in your values leads to greater flexibility in showing up in line with what ultimately matters most to you—regardless of whether or not your toddler loses their mind in aisle 4.
Consider the values behind the goals I listed above, and you’ll see what I mean:
The goal of having a more peaceful journey through the Target aisle with your toddler can be connected to an underlying value of showing up as a calmer parent. That means that even if your toddler is melting down (and you are freaking out internally), you can choose to a) nab their flailing body and calmly exit the store ; b) calmly wait out the scream-fest and proceed to get what you need; c) calmly give yourself grace after the disaster of a shopping trip is finally over—even if you didn’t keep your cool during the escapade.
The goal of having more frequent sexual intimacy with your partner can be connected with the underlying value of wanting to be adventurous together. That means that even if your partner balks at the request to have sex more often, you might ask them to brainstorm ways to include more adventurousness in your relationship outside of sex. You might hold onto the a goal of sexual intimacy while exploring other ways to have more variety and excitement in your shared life. Maybe instead of sex, you begin by planning travel, signing up for a class together, or starting a couples’ book club (even as you let your partner know you’d like to come back to discuss your sex life in a few months’ time).
The goal of making a plan with your mother about her declining health can be connected to the underlying value of wanting to show up as a caring child. If your mother isn’t yet ready to have a conversation about her physical decline, you can consider the myriad of other ways you can show up in caring ways, including calling or visiting. And you can let her know explicitly that this is a conversation you’d like to have because you care about her, not because you’re trying to undermine her agency.
Other relational values I’m a fan of include being curious, offering benefit of the doubt, savoring joyful moments together, learning together, and striving to know people more deeply. I invite you to share your own favorite relational values in the comments section to connect with and inspire others!
In sum, as you head into 2024, consider what values you can resolve to use as your guide, and how they connect to your goals for the coming year. And I hope you take a moment to reflect on how you most want to show up in all of your most important relational roles of friend, partner, parent, child, or colleague.
Wishing you peace, joy, and connection as you make the transition from 2023 to 2024!
Go Deeper With Me!
If you enjoy the kind of relational science I explore in this newsletter:
Check out this Washington Post summary of the best expert advice in 2023 on mental and relational health. It includes an article from me on making tough relationship decisions (#8 in the list). Also, you might check out this piece I wrote for The Behavioral Scientist about why doing less when we’re overwhelmed is so surprisingly hard—it made their “most-read” in 2023 list!
Pick up a copy of my book, Work, Parent, Thrive. In it, I explore the relationship between roles, parents and children, and partners, and the science guiding us in how to thrive in a life full of demanding roles. (Email me if you’d like to be sent a free copy of the first chapter.)
Follow me on Instagram, where I attempt to regularly share science-backed ideas for relational thriving: @yaelschonbrun
I spend much of my professional time thinking about how science and clinical practice can foster relational thriving, including relationships between parents and children. A newsletter isn’t therapy, but it can be therapeutic. Send me your parenting or marital questions if you’d like to read about how social science and clinical practice can help you navigate specific relationship challenges more skillfully.
Relationally yours,
Yael
Do you have any other resources for identifying values within the ACT framework? I’ve focused on the ACT psychological flexibility framework and narrowed down my own values to equanimity and self-discipline.
I have trouble delineating between/incoporating “roles” (father, parent, child, community member, co-worker/leader) and “life domains” (relationships, health/wellness, financial security, quality leisure, community involvement) with the psychological flexibility framework and values (more in the way you’ve defined them). “be a good <insert role>” or “focus on good/quality in <life domain>”.
Do you have thoughts or other places I could look to further explore? I love many of the topics/discussions on Psychologists off the Clock and your podcast appearances - particularly with Cal Newport and Brad Stulberg.
One of my most closely held values in relationships is honesty/clarity. I want to know what people offer me is who they are, not who they think I (or anyone else) want them to be. Even if you’re not my cup of tea, I can trust you to be the person you showed me, and that matters a lot.