Welcome to Relational Riffs!

Where we riff on the science and practice of connecting

Nov 21, 2023

Thank you for subscribing to Relational Riffs! This newsletter shares relational science and practices from the therapy room to guide readers in building stronger, more satisfying connections—the kind that foster a happier life.

Have a question about relationships? Comment below or submit it here!

The Key To Unlocking A Happier Life

Let’s face it, there are an overwhelming number of things you could do to create a happier, healthier, more satisfying life. You could meditate more, take a masterclass in Eastern philosophy, eat more leafy greens, spend more time in a garden and less time on social media, or take fish oil supplements. That’s just a few to-do’s from a seemingly endless list of possibilities.

I don’t know about you, but when I get overwhelmed, I turtle up. Meaning, I end up doing nothing at all (see my email inbox for proof).

But what if you had just one simple guideline for happier, healthier living? If you had to boil the good life down to just one “to-do,” troves of research reveal that building stronger connections is the most important key to unlocking happiness in life.

How Does Science Help Our Relationships?

The science on relationships doesn’t just reveal that stronger connections makes for happier living. It also offers guidance in how we can most effectively build those connections.

Consider the science that reveals that empathic effort matters more than empathic accuracy for relationship satisfaction. Focusing on how much you try to understand your partner matters more than how perfectly you understand them (and vice versa). You don’t have to know why they went nuts about how you loaded the dishwasher, you just have to convey that you want to understand. (Fun fact: fighting about loading the dishwasher is an exceedingly common topic of conflict. And yes, it comes up often in the therapy room.)

Or how about this one? We are likely to assume other people see things just as we do, particularly when those people are close to us. But guess what? They often see things totally differently! This is a bias called the “closeness communication bias.” So next time you get confused about why your partner didn’t know what you wanted for you birthday or how you ended up with two totally different versions of the same fight, remember that we are all susceptible to this closeness communication bias.

Then there’s the assumption that work and family necessarily and exclusively conflict with each other. An entire literature uncovers a far more appealing side to the relationship between our most demanding roles, a relationship aptly titled “work-family enrichment.” Though the notion of our roles enriching each other isn’t often part of the public conversation, the science reveals that it exists in spades. (I wrote about this recently in a Washington Post piece about pro-athlete moms.) Not talking or thinking about this side of the relationship causes us to overlook it. But ideas and practices from social science help us pay attention and foster this enriching relationship. I wrote an entire book about this topic called Work, Parent, Thrive. (Reply to this email to get a free sample chapter from the book.)

The Reasons We’ll Riff On Relationships

So, why is this newsletter called “Relational Riffs”? The word “riff” has a few meanings, including experimenting with ideas and using casual conversation to consider novel applications of those ideas. In each newsletter, we will riff on topics in relational life. We’ll use science to guide our thinking and practices, and real-life as the place to experiment with applying these ideas.

This kind of science-backed riffing is how I run couples’ therapy in my role as a couples’ therapist. And it’s what I aim to do in my book writing. Unfortunately for the people close to me, I also do it often in my off-time (just ask my three kids).

Why would all this relational science matter for you, the subscriber? Just as relationship science empowers my clients and book readers (and children!), it can also help you to shatter unhelpful myths and adopt practices proven to help build stronger connections—the kind that sit at the heart of happier, more satisfying lives.

In this newsletter, we’ll explore ideas and proven tools for building and maintaining connections, repairing ruptures, and moving towards what matters most in our relational lives.

We’ll cover a wide variety of topics. We’ll explore the ins and outs of relationship conflict—from why we get stuck to how we can find the exit. We’ll delve into affairs and what the research says about being able to recover from them (spoiler alert: you and your relationship can recover, even though it isn’t easy). We’ll dig into the kinds of communication tools regularly taught in the therapy room, the science of work-family conflict and work-family enrichment, and what the research says about how to be happily married when you have kids and a job. We’ll tackle what research reveals about best approaches to co-parenting, particularly when you approach parenting differently from your partner. And we’ll delve into making tough relationship decisions, from deciding whether to move in together to deciding whether it’s time to end a partnership.

Riffing Together With You

Hopefully it won’t surprise you that even in newsletter form, we’ll aim to cultivate connections. To connect with me and with other readers, I hope you take frequent advantage of the comment and chat functions. After all, our goal is to explore the science that matters most to you. Hearing what you’re curious about, what befuddles or amazes you in relational life, and what’s most helpful to read about allows me to fulfill that mission and helps other readers to learn from you. I urge you to comment, chat, or email to share your thoughts, practices, reads of the science, or whatever else relates to the topic of science-based relational thriving!

Relational Riffs