A new friend recently asked me what kinds of relationship problems I treat as a couples therapist. “All the typical stuff,” I said. “You know, communication problems, intimacy issues, co-parenting conflict, premarital counseling, and affairs.”
Nothing startled her except the final item. “I can’t believe anyone could ever get over their partner cheating on them,” she said. “I wouldn’t be able to.”
She’s not alone in her assumption. But she’s wrong.
Mistaken Beliefs About Betrayal
The topic of affairs and our beliefs about them is a doorway into a broader concept in psychology: errors we make in predicting our responses to difficult life experiences. My friend’s miscalculation is an example of a general finding that people are biased in predicting their future emotions. Studies exploring a concept known as affective forecasting show that we consistently overestimate both the intensity and duration of how badly we’ll feel if something goes horribly wrong in important areas of our lives.
This inability to predict our feelings accurately crops up in relationship betrayals, as a 2012 study showed. One hundred and four couples were followed over a 10-week period and asked to predict how they (and their partner) would feel if any of twenty listed relationship transgressions occurred (the list included betrayals like infidelity, physical aggression, and lying). People predicted more sadness for themselves and their partners than they actually experienced.
Let me quickly add that this is not to say that feeling good is any kind of typical response when one discovers a relationship betrayal. It feels like a train hit you to discover that someone you trusted was engaging in acts that violated all of your basic assumptions about them, your relationship, and even yourself. Your entire world capsizes. When this happens, emotional reactions are often excruciating and include depression and acute anxiety similar to what people experience after other kinds of traumatic events.
Given how injurious a betrayal is and the danger you might put ourselves in if you don’t take it seriously, you might think that overestimating how upset you will be is a way to self-protect. Maybe holding onto feelings accompanying the discovery of a betrayal is wise because those emotions remind you to never allow the person who has caused such damage to ever have the power to do so again.
The problem with this belief is that information provided by emotions is far more useful in the short-run than the long-run. If a bus hurtling towards you, you want fear to propel quick action. But as the due date for your taxes nears, you want to use fear as a cue but then to be able to access the parts of your brain that can do complex thinking.
When fear is high, the thinking parts of your brain don’t work well. Emotions help to grab your attention, but they aren’t much good in providing reliable guidance over time.
Remembering the short-term value of emotions can aid us in using them strategically. For one thing, we can view the acute devastation we feel when we are betrayed as an important call to action. We can see our pain as an invitation to clarify what went wrong, why it went wrong, and even what is possible going forward.
What Helps People Heal
It’s not the right choice for everyone to try (more on that below), but couples can overcome and build back stronger relationships after an affair. And, not to toot my therapist horn, but therapy really can help.
Doing affairs work is, in my opinion, some of the most satisfying therapeutic work that can be done. At the start, it’s often unclear to either partner whether the relationship can survive. That makes for a painful situation. But it also offers a powerful opportunity.
Affairs blow relationships up. And since it’s been blown up, so there’s really nothing left to hide. Everything, from the present betrayal to the past hurts, is on the table. That leaves open the possibility of exploring cracks that have long existed in the relationship. Partners discover that it’s possible to entirely reshape their relationship. When they can work to communicate with one another, rebuild safety and trust, and practice forgiveness, they can rebuild a marriage back stronger than it ever was before.
But it isn’t easy. Nor is it always the right choice.
The fact that you can overcome a major betrayal doesn’t mean you should. Repeated betrayals may be a sign that a participating partner is unable or unwilling to commit themselves to the relationship. And inability or unwillingness by either partner to do the hard work of supporting each other through the initial crisis and longer-term healing process makes it hard to get to the other side. In these cases, exiting the relationship is often the best choice.
But if you and your partner are committed to the relationship and willing to do the work, you can, indeed, overcome betrayal. Through this admittedly painful process, you can ultimately arrive at a happier, healthier place.
If you’re interested in hearing more about overcoming betrayals, check out this podcast conversation with University of Tennessee researcher and clinician extraordinaire, Kristy Coop Gordon. Her terrific book, Getting Past the Affair, is a self-help guide full of valuable wisdom for navigating the initial trauma and the journey that follows.