Connecting Minds, Healing Bodies: Our April Research Round-Up
Also... consider subtracting to make a story connection.
Welcome to our April relational research round-up. Today, we’ll nerd out about some hot-off-the-press studies about empathy leading to brain connections, connection helping us physically heal, and fancy statistics that help us look beyond the simple averages of relationship trajectories. And then we’ll explore why subtracting may be the best connectiongstrategy you’ve never thought about.
Here we go!
1. When brains come together, we feel better.
When strangers share emotional experiences, something remarkable happens in both their emotions and their brains, according to a study in the journal Emotion. This study collected data from 37 pairs of strangers and found that when one person shared a distressing experience with the other, both people's emotional states converged. That is, the gap between how sad each person felt gets smaller as they connect.
What's particularly interesting is that the most helpful type of empathy isn't necessarily feeling the other person's emotions, but rather understanding their perspective. When listeners really tried to see things from the sharer's point of view (cognitive empathy), it helped reduce the distress more effectively than just mirroring their emotions.
Also, brain scans showing that the brains of both people actually synchronized in certain regions during these conversations. This brain synchronization seems to create a genuine connection that helps the person sharing their distress feel better.
In simple terms: When we truly try to understand someone's perspective while they share something difficult, our brains literally get in sync, creating a connection that helps us process emotions. Next time someone shares something difficult, try focusing on understanding their perspective rather than just feeling their emotions.
2. Because love heals wounds.
Want evidence that loving relationships might actually be good for your health? A study published in the Brain Behavior and Immunity journal involved an experiment with 80 couples to see how positive interactions and the "love hormone" oxytocin affect our immune system.
Researchers created tiny skin wounds and tracked inflammatory responses while having couples try different interactions. The most interesting finding? When women received both oxytocin nasal spray AND engaged in positive couple interactions, their immune responses changed in potentially beneficial ways.
What's particularly curious is that neither oxytocin nor being instructed to have a positive conversation alone made couples behave more warmly toward each other in the lab. Yet somehow, the combination still affected their immune responses—especially for women.
In simple terms: Your relationship quality might directly affect how quickly you heal from injuries or fight illness, particularly for women. There seems to be a special connection between the love hormone, positive interactions with your partner, and your immune system that science is just beginning to unravel.
3. What’s behind a relationship average?
Think relationships are doomed to get worse over time? Think again! A fascinating study published in the International Journal of Applied Psychology challenges a common, gloomy assumption with some surprising findings.
Instead of looking at averages, which can hide a lot of interesting variability, researchers used a clever statistical approach called Latent Curve Growth Analysis.1 They collected data from 300 couples over an entire decade to see how their relationships actually changed over time.
What they discovered were three distinct relationship patterns: First, the "Steady Eddies" (65% of couples) started happy and stayed happy throughout the decade, with men showing more stability while women experienced slight declines. Second, the "Honeymoon's Over" group (19%) started strong but took a dive, ending with the lowest satisfaction of all groups. Finally, the "Late Bloomers" (17%) actually bucked the trend entirely, starting with lower satisfaction but gradually improving over time, a pattern more common in longer-term relationships.
Notably, the high, relatively stable folks reported significantly better mental health, more positive emotions, and higher overall life satisfaction compared to the other groups. And surprisingly, despite their opposite trajectories, both the declining and improving groups reported similar well-being outcomes.
In simple terms: Most relationships don't actually decline over time—two-thirds of couples maintained their happiness for a decade! And keeping your relationship consistently satisfying isn't just good for your love life—it's linked to better mental health and overall happiness.
The Art of Subtraction: Making Room for What Matters
Speaking of connection, I was touched by all your wonderful responses to my last newsletter about the connecting power of shared stories! But, as we discussed last week, it’s hard to make time to connect via stories or other tools. Here's where I've been thinking about a counterintuitive approach, based in some very cool science.
Humans have a strong default setting to add things to our lives. New habits! More activities! Additional tools! But we systematically overlook subtractive solutions—even when removing something would actually solve our problem more elegantly.
Think about it: when you say "I wish I had more time to read," your brain immediately jumps to:
Wake up 30 minutes earlier
Download a reading app
Join a book club for accountability2
All additions. What we rarely consider first is: What could I remove to make space?
Could I subtract one streaming show from my rotation?
Might I remove social media apps from my phone during evening hours?
What if I eliminated the habit of checking email right before bed?
You're not imagining this tendency. It's perfectly described in a study published in the journal Nature: People systematically overlook subtractive changes. This study and the book, Subtract, written by the study’s lead investigator, Leidy Klotz, have truly transformed how I think about life design choices.
When it comes to nurturing the connections that heal us, subtraction creates not just time, but the mental space needed to truly immerse yourself in relationships. For instance, removing the "check phone while waiting anywhere" habit opened up countless moments for me to connect with others in my daily life.
What's your subtraction strategy?
What might you consider subtracting to make room for more connection in your life? I'd love to hear your thoughts about what you might consider removing to make more space for what matters most.
Share the Science of Connection!
Studies show that sharing interesting content is 83% more satisfying than scrolling alone. Okay, I totally made that statistic up, but, who knows, maybe our brains would sync up if we tested it?
Further Reading
I’ve previously written about this very cool statistical analysis used on marital trajectories for Emily Oster’s ParentData, you can check out that article here.
I’m generally advocating subtracting, except for book clubs, particularly the Relational Riffs book club. This meeting has become such a life highlight for me—chatting about psychology and relationships with people who love books? Heaven. If you’d like to join our crew but can’t afford to become a paid subscriber, just message me directly.
Helpful to be reminded that love/harmonious relationships are actually good for our health (and that the opposite is also true). Being more tolerant and positive to others is actually *good for us*, if nothing else.
The subtraction strategy reminds me of Greg McKeown's work, he's doing some great work on essentialism.
This was a really interesting post. I don’t think I totally understand the difference between understanding someone’s feelings and understanding their perspective. To me it seems to understand how someone feels you need to understand their viewpoint. Could you give an example?