Stories That Connect
Making connections, one unsolicited book recommendation at a time.
In a world where "productivity" reigns supreme and scrolling has become our default mode of consumption, there's something almost rebellious about sitting down with a good book. But even more rebellious? Surprising a friend with one.
A few years ago, author Lindsay Gibson joined me on the Psychologists Off the Clock Podcast to discuss her bestselling book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. We immediately discovered we were kindred spirits in our love of reading and writing about complex relationships.12 And then, completely unexpectedly, a package arrived at my office containing Carl Rogers' book, On Becoming a Person—a literary gift from Lindsay with no occasion attached. Just because she thought I'd love it. I did.
The surprising intimacy of sharing what we read.
There's something uniquely intimate about someone saying, "This made me think of you" through carefully chosen pages rather than a quick text. Each time we share a book, we're not just exchanging a thing—we're exchanging pieces of ourselves, creating an intellectual and emotional bridge that spans beyond occasional conversations.
This exchange got me thinking about the relational value of reading. As psychology professor,
noted in a recent newsletter, reading isn't a moral virtue, (despite what those smug "I read 100 books a year" folks on social media might have you believe). Yet reading offers one extremely cool pathway to something powerful: human connection.Stories—whether they come bound in hardcover, through earbuds, or via Netflix—serve as invisible threads weaving us together. Books connect us not just with those in our immediate circles, but across the boundaries of time and culture. Through reading, we can share thoughts with someone who lived centuries ago or experience perspectives from cultures entirely different from our own. Books connect us across the gaps that might otherwise separate—allowing us to recognize our common humanity even in people we will never meet.
Stories are the original social network, just with considerably less data mining and infinitely better character development (both for the characters in the stories, and your own). And wouldn’t you know it, reading is a pretty cool way to access the relational power of stories.
I'm not alone in recognizing reading’s remarkable role in relationship-building. According to a recent NPR/Ipsos poll, most Americans recognize that power, even if we struggle to make time for it. The poll found that 50% of respondents think reading helps them connect to others, and a whopping 98% of those with children in their households want their children to "develop a love of reading” 3 (which is impressive considering most parents can’t get 98% agreement on whether pants are required for dinner).
My book exchange with Lindsay isn't just anecdotally meaningful—there's fascinating science behind why sharing stories creates such powerful bonds.
How narratives connects us
Most people are familiar with the idea that the human mind is built for telling and listening to stories—it's one of the features of the human brain that sets us apart from other animals. Our narrative-loving brains are not an evolutionary accident. Stories serve multiple critical functions that have helped humans survive and thrive for millennia.
As I’ve evangelized previously, stories serve as a form of social glue, helping us learn from each other, grow together, and connect in joy and sadness. Stories aren't just entertainment; they're sophisticated tools for bolstering connection.
When we engage with a story, our brains release oxytocin—the same "bonding chemical" released when we hug a loved one or play with a puppy. For instance, neuroeconomist Paul Zak at Claremont University has a line of research showing that stories that catch our attention are more likely to transport us into the narrative, prompting increased oxytocin release. This cascade of neurological events even increases the likelihood of altruistic behavior.
This hormonal/emotional/behavioral response aligns with a fascinating phenomenon revealed in a 2010 study out of Princeton University. Neuroscientist Uri Hasson and his team found that when someone tells a story and others listen, their brain activity synchronizes—creating a kind of "mind meld" between storyteller and audience. The stronger the neural coupling between speaker and listener, the better our interpersonal comprehension.
The brain coupling that comes out of sharing good stories and ideas has a lot of benefits for us as individuals and as a society:
Shared meaning-making: When we read the same book as someone else, we're not just consuming identical content—we're creating parallel meaning. Each reader brings their own experiences to the table, yet we emerge with enough common ground to bridge our differences.
Empathy development: Story arcs serve as a simulator for social experiences, with research showing that deeper story immersion leads to increased empathy. And while fiction shows these effects strongly, the key factor seems to be narrative immersion, something skilled nonfiction writers create. Every time we step into someone else’s shoes—fictional or not—we're flexing our perspective-taking muscles. [Who are your favorite nonfiction storytellers? The ones that transport you with both transformative ideas and powerful stories?]
Information exchange: Long before Wikipedia, stories were humanity's primary method for transmitting crucial knowledge. Those who knew which berries were poisonous lived to tell the tale (literally). Though we might be swapping book recommendations instead of survival tips, the connection-through-information principle remains the same.
Collective entertainment: There's something uniquely bonding about experiencing the emotional peaks and valleys of a powerful story together. Whether it's discussing the latest plot twist with your book club or debating fan theories about a TV show, shared entertainment creates community. It’s why water cooler conversations about last night's game or season finale have survived even in our increasingly remote work world.
How do really busy people find time to really read?
"I'd love to read more, but who has the time?" It's the literary equivalent of 'I'll start my diet tomorrow'—a promise we make with genuine conviction, only to find ourselves scrolling through Instagram instead of reaching for that book. Finding time to read in our hyper-connected, notification-dominated world feels like trying to meditate in the middle of a rock concert.
According to that same NPR/Ipsos poll, only half of Americans report having read a book in the past month. In comparison, about 80% watched streaming services, used social media, or watched short-form videos. It's not that we don't value reading—we do. Yet we struggle to carve out the time and mental space for it in our increasingly fragmented attention economy.
As we discuss time constraints, we should also broaden our understanding of what reading can be. Whether you're navigating dyslexia or visual impairments, struggle with language comprehension, or simply process information better through listening than reading, the connecting power of narrative remains accessible through audiobooks, read-alouds, and other adaptive formats. The magic lies in the story itself, not the specific method by which you consume it.
And here's some additional good news, you can be an extremely busy person and still make time to read. I reached out to several fellow Substack newsletter writers—the folks who manage to devour books and give the best book recommendations despite demanding careers and caring for kids—to learn their making-time-for-reading strategies. Here's what they shared:
Use wait-time wisely. As
, author of the Substack the upcoming Hello, Cruel World!, told me, “It's amazing how much downtime we have during a day that we often don't notice — in carpool lines, doctor's offices.” She said, “If I have a book available during these times, I can get so much reading done. Just a few pages at a time adds up when you're doing it multiple times a day!”Swap out books for screens.
, author of swaps phones for books, particularly at bedtime. She keeps reading material nearby and devices in another room, improving both reading time and sleep hygiene.Turn 3am ceiling-staring sessions into literary adventures. Jill Stoddard, writer of
, told me, “I’m not a great sleeper so I read whenever I *should* be sleeping but am unable.”Make use of audiobooks. Emily Edlynn, writer of the
Substack combines audiobooks with dog walks, a perfect example the temptation bundling strategy of coupling a guilty pleasure with something you “should do.”Make a plan.
, writer of the Substack, purveyor of excellent tips for busy parents to find time to read, and mother of four, “checks in once a week with two questions: What am I or planning on reading this week? When am I planning on reading?”
Stitched together through stories.
Remember, the connection benefits of reading aren't exclusive to traditional books—whether you're listening to a book or podcast, watching a well-crafted series, or gathering around a campfire for ghost stories, it's the narrative experience that fosters connection.
But books sure are fun—and bonding!—creating ongoing opportunities for touch points with people we know well or are trying to get to know better. As
, writer of the Substack, told me, she takes book recommendations from friends whose taste she trusts: “If it’s a great book, it gives me a fun reason to reconnect with my reader friends - I send a text saying “I just finished and loved [insert name of book]; were you the one who recommended it? If so, they feel good, and if not, they get a recommendation themselves!”A commitment to reading doesn’t require superhuman discipline or endless free time. Regular attention, even if it's just a few stolen moments between life's demands, can accumulate into a meaningful connection, both with the stories themselves and with the wider community of readers who share our love of a good tale well told.
So tonight, instead of doom-scrolling, consider picking up a book you've been meaning to read—or better yet, find one to send to a friend. Who knows what invisible threads of connection you might weave?
What strategies do you use to incorporate reading into your busy life? Have you ever started a book exchange with a friend? Share in the comments below!
If this newsletter sparked a connection for you (or made you want to dust off that book on your nightstand), consider passing along these "invisible threads" by sharing it or hitting that little heart button below. Think of it as the digital equivalent of sending someone a surprise book—with less shipping costs and paper cuts. Your shares help build our little reading community one click at a time.
Word to the wise: another way to build immediate connections is to start or get on a podcast devoted to a topic you are obsessed with. Then, invite all the other people obsessed with that same topic to chat with you on the podcast. That's it, immediate friendship gold.
I’m not the only one who finds an immediate connection to Lindsay through conversation or through reading her writing. Lindsay’s writing has changed so many lives that she was recently featured in The New York Times “The Interview” series!
As I’ve learned, book recs can be a great way to connect with kids, too. About two years ago, one of my sons read the play, Twelve Angry Men, in school. He asked if I had read it—I hadn’t—and told me he wanted me to read it. It led to some really fun conversations and now he recommends his required reading to me when he thinks I’d like it. (Perhaps the only time in parenting history where "Mom, I wish you would do my homework" is actually a good thing.)
I loved this post and know that some of the best gifts I have ever given have been books.
one tip - I keep a book on my desk throughout the day. When a meeting finishes and I have 10-15 minutes before the next one begins, instead of trying to rush through a task or mindlessly scroll through email, I will pick up the book and read during that time. It is amazing how much reading time it adds to your day.
Yael, I love this essay! I have certainly bonded with you over books so many times over the years. And generally love books as a way to form deep connections with people. I love giving and receiving books as gifts!! And these pointers about how to read more are so helpful.