Navigating the Cringey Space Between Conflict and Reconnection
The fight is over. Let the awkwardness begin?
For those that have read recent Relational Riff posts, I’m excited to provide an update on the teacher’s strike in my district: a resolution was achieved this past Friday! Whoo hoo, kids back to school!
I’d like to say it’s a huge sigh of relief, full stop. But relational life is more complicated than that. Like anyone coming to the end of a protracted and bitter fight, my town has now entered that cringey space between full on battle mode and feeling comfortable re-connected.
No one on either side of the more than two-week-long strike has forgotten the painful things said and done by each side. People want to reconcile, yet no one feels quite safe enough to let their guard down. A recent Boston Globe article gave voice to this city-wide feeling, with one parent describing the toll of the intense division and vitriol between parents and teachers, then asking, “How do you move forward with that?”
This is a feeling that’s quite universal in relationships. Take this recent request from a Relational Riffs reader:
“I find it so hard to handle that weird space when you want to be done fighting but you aren’t back to loving yet. I’d like some tools for that.”
We can’t avoid that awkward patch in which we are no longer fighting but aren’t yet back to our happy, connected place. But tools from the therapy room can help.
1. In the awkwardness, tend to yourself.
The time period after a fight often finds us exhausted, anxious, and sometimes even depressed. There’s a few reasons for this. First, anger puffs us up with adrenaline. Once that adrenaline abates, exhaustion can set in. Then there’s the anxiety about how to proceed. You want to reach out to reconnect but worry that the other party will reject you. What to do?
First things first: implement a self-soothing plan. This kind of plan is particularly useful if the person you’re fighting with is the primary person you typically turn to for comfort.
Before we talk about what goes into a self-soothing plan, let me note that it’s a smart move to write it down and keep it somewhere accessible (in your wallet or saved on your phone). In times of great distress, it can be hard to remember any brilliant plan of action. By having it written and handy, you don’t have to rely on a stressed-out, tired brain.
Your plan can include ways to access support that don’t include your partner (friends on speed dial, a wise elder, a spiritual community, etc.). It might also include soothing or distracting behaviors you’d be willing to do while distressed or exhausted, but which aren’t accompanied by significant negative consequences (as in, no heavy drinking or calling exes out of spite). Coping behaviors such as exercise, napping, meditation, knitting, or going to the movies are examples that work well.
Leave a comment here to share your go-to coping strategies when you’re in the awkward, in-between space…
2. Pre-plan how to tolerate this phase… together with your partner.
This may sound hokey, but one of the most useful things many people in relationships do is make a plan together—outside of a time of conflict. Talk with your partner about what each of you needs during the awkward space between fighting and being made up.
Ask one another questions like:
What helps you move towards reconnecting after a fight?
What signals should I look for that would indicate that you’re ready (or not ready) to reconnect?
Get to know what each person needs during this vulnerable time. Brainstorm what’s realistic to offer one another. It’ll make it easier to tolerate this awkward period because you have a clearer idea of how you’ll move through it.
And for the fights that don't require quite as much in-between time, having a script like “let's just turn the page on this one” lets one another know when it’s ok to can simply move on.
3. What to do if one person is ready to move on… But the other isn’t?
One of the biggest challenges in that in-between place is that one person is ready to turn the page and the other person isn't. This imbalance creates risk for returning to a fighting stance since nothing spells “let’s keep fighting” like one person reaching out while the other rejects them.
This can lead to a frustrating back-and-forth. You’re now pissed, so later, when your partner decides to reach out, you’re likely to reject them.
A quick tip to exit this vicious cycle is the simple idea of “name it to tame it.” This phrase, first coined by professor of psychiatry, Daniel Siegel, offers a concrete strategy to deal with intense emotional experiences. Come up with a name for the cycle. Something like “brush-off boomerang” or “rejection rotation.”
Labeling the experience out loud not only reduces its intensity, but also helps to clarify what’s happening. And it can help you get back on the same page. From that position, you can better coordinate a move forward—together.
3. Make meaning in the cringyness.
As Viktor Frankl writes in Man’s Search for Meaning, “If there is a meaning in life at all, then there must be meaning in suffering.” Whatever broke you apart can be meaningful if you use the experience to learn about yourselves as individuals and as partners.
Here are some questions to ask one another that help prompt growth:
What do we now know that we didn’t before this happened?
What do we want to do better next time?
As for my town post the divisive teacher strike, a Facebook poster asked what people would now talk about in the parents group now that the strike was over. My favorite response to this question was “How we can prevent something this awful from happening in the future.” Yes, please.
Elsewhere on the Internet…
Some random articles that I enjoyed this week:
This The Cut piece about childcare-less working parents features my colleague
(who has a wonderful Substack, Practically Deliberate). It hit me hard since the past two weeks involved attempts to work a normal schedule (sort of?) while having zero childcare.Another Atlantic piece, this one about how we lose context when we get into arguments, and why context matters so very much. This piece left me thinking that going to the primary sources is something most of us (certainly me) need to do more often.
For anyone who loves Tracy Chapman’s song, Fast Car (how could you not?), Luke Combs rendition of it may have brought some complicated feelings. But, oh, the Grammy Awards duo with the two of them was just so beautiful. And this New York Times piece was a lovely read that left me with good feelings and a reason to replay the song a few dozen more times.
I spend much of my professional time thinking about how science and clinical practice can foster relational thriving, including relationships between parents, children, and even between our life roles. A newsletter isn’t therapy, but it can be therapeutic. Send me your questions via comment or email if you’d like to read about how social science and clinical practice can help you navigate specific relationship challenges more skillfully.
Relationally yours,
Yael
I had a meditation teacher once talk about pausing between the exhale and the inhale and being deeply present to that moment. Maybe there’s a metaphor in there?
This one hits home. Well done! Such crucial nuance that not enough people are willing to talk about. What are some tips you have for ways to partners to wade back into the cringy without triggering something worse?