Relationship Advice from Professional Negotiators
Lessons on influencing difficult people
I’ve recently been down the rabbit hole of books about hostage negotiation. I started down that hole in an effort to sustain optimism in the face of too much worldwide intractable conflict. And politics aside, it’s been eye-opening to explore this fascinating professional world where the name of the game is exerting influence in highly contentious, high-stakes situations. As a psychologist and relationship specialist, there is so much wisdom to collect from how negotiators approach the most difficult relationships.
Though few of us will ever be in the position to try to influence a hostage-taker, most of us have had experiences that feel a bit like that. Maybe it’s a partner unwilling to adopt their fair share of housework, or a parent-in-law who refuses to abide by any of your house rules, or your pre-teen raising hell about wanting you to stay out of their life. You’re left with a combined feeling of outrage and helplessness to do anything about it.
What these hostage negotiation books reveal is powerful psychological science in action. For one thing, collective wisdom from hostage negotiation points out that our natural defaults aren’t terribly helpful. For instance, it would seem logical to reason with the other party (“you don’t need new pants”), to exert pressure (“you can’t see your grandkids if you don’t follow our rules”), or to enforce punishment (“I’m not having sex with you until you start washing dishes.”).
But acting on these impulses tends to worsen the situation, not better it. Instead of offering greater influence, they cause a two-way experience of alienation and misunderstanding. Both sides get increasingly dug in, less willing to negotiate.
Hostage negotiators teach us why our instincts on how to gain influence are wrong. And they offer skills that can help us get it right.
The Case of “The Tractor Man”
In 2003, a North Carolina tobacco farmer named Dwight Watson drove his John Deere tractor onto a pond on the Washington National Mall. He brought the city to a standstill with threats that he would detonate the explosives in his tractor as a protest against the reduction in subsidies to tobacco farmers.
FBI negotiators, including lead negotiator Chris Voss were brought in to manage the situation. Voss and his co-author Tahl Raz write in their book Never Split the Difference,
“… we couldn’t threaten to kill him and expect that to work. The reason for that is something called “the paradox of power”—namely, the harder we push the more likely we are to be met with resistance.”
Psychologists studying this phenomenon explain that when people feel that their agency is being thwarted, the drive to restore it kicks in (research on this concept is reviewed in a hilariously titled article: “A 50-year review of psychological reactance theory: Do not read this article.”)
Recognizing that reasoning, threatening, or cajoling was more likely to cause Watson to dig his heels in than cooperate, Voss and his team focused on trying to understand him. They learned that Watson was struggling to make a living as a tobacco farmer, which had been his family’s livelihood for generations. He wanted attention and he wanted his suffering to be acknowledged. They also learned that Watson was a devout Christian.
This was all critical information to ending the standoff. As Voss writes,
“Once you’ve understood your counterpart’s worldview, you can build influence.”
The standoff ended without any casualties after 48 hours. (It also turned out that the tractor was filled with cans of bug spray, not explosives.)
Feeling Creatures Who Think
In any negotiation, whether it’s a guy with a gun or a toddler with a full diaper, one fundamental rule guides everything else: Humans are emotionally driven creatures.
Hostage negotiators have grown to recognize the importance of emotions in negotiation.Voss and Raz write,
“Until recently, most academics and researchers completely ignored the role of emotion in negotiation… But think about that: How can you separate people from the problem when their emotions are the problem? Especially when they are scared people with guns. Emotions are one of the main things that derail communication. Once people get upset at one another, rational thinking goes out the window.”
Put simply, reasoning doesn’t work because people aren’t primarily reason-driven. And pressure doesn’t work because feeling like your back is up against a wall only increases emotional arousal.
Recognize your impulses to use logic and pressure. Then pause so you can turn to do something far more effective.
It All Begins with Deep Listening
As Gary Noesner writes in his book, Stalling for Time,
“We know that people want to be shown respect, and they want to be understood. Listening is the cheapest, yet most effective concession we can make.”
Most books written by hostage negotiators credit Carl Rogers, the famous humanist psychologist, for their effectiveness in the field. Rogers articulated the importance of unconditional positive regard as something most people need before they are able or willing to change. He described how active listening can both help you understand the other person better, and help the other person feel better understood by you.
These active listening skills amount to reflecting back—in a validating way—the core feelings and thoughts you understand the other person to have.
The benefits of seeing and understanding aren’t only for the hostage-taker. Knowing someone else’s worldview helps you understand what matters most to them (and what matters least). For instance, your counterpart may be arguing for more money, but through active listening you might discover that what they really want is a sense of being valued.
Listening deeply helps the other person feel understood and more connected to you. That understanding and connection will help you negotiate more strategically.
The Challenge of Good Listening
The best listening involves being open to different worldviews, something most of us struggle with. We don’t want to hear why our partner thinks they shouldn’t have to wash dishes. Or why our pre-teen needs the most expensive designer pants. Or why our employee thinks they deserve a raise. Or why our uncle hates our favorite politician and loves the one we think is pure evil. We don’t want to hear it, and it doesn’t seem valuable to try.
But here’s the thing: in many cases, there may be nothing more valuable that trying to understand someone you disagree with. Certainly that’s true if you want to have any influence with them.
I spoke in a podcast interview with Victoria Sheperd, author of A History of Delusions, about the value of trying to understand people who hold psychotic delusions. According to her analysis, patients treated by doctors willing to meet them in their delusional story were much more likely to have happier endings. They were more likely to learn how to hold their delusions less fervently.
People yearn to be understood. To feel connected to others. It relaxes and opens them up to influence.
In the book, How to Break a Terrorist, an interrogator under the pen name Matthew Alexander describes how he used tactics of connection to extract information that helped his team locate Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the man responsible for swaths of bombings and beheadings in Iraq during the early 2000’s. Alexander’s colleagues had sought repeatedly to pressure prisoners, using coercive, bullying tactics. They didn’t work. When Alexander had the chance to meet with one of the prisoners who had refused to share valuable information, he didn’t pressure him. Instead, he sought to connect. It was this strategy that finally brought forth the information needed to catch Zarqawi.
When we seek to connect and understand others, even those whose world beliefs run counter to our own, we create pathways of influence.
A Hostage Negotiator’s Approach to Influence
So, let’s break down the hostage negotiator’s approach relationships with difficult people. And remember, these aren’t just people we disagree with. They are often people experienced as irritating, dangerous, narcissistic, or toxic. Yet you can grow influence if you apply the following strategies:
Slow things down. Noesner’s book is titled Stalling for Time because, as emotions research reveals, heightened emotions will wane if we give them time. Sometimes, the best thing you can do in a negotiation is delay.
Keep the calm. Don’t argue back. Don’t say no, not even to crazy demands. Instead, return to step one and delay your response saying, “Let me think about this.” Or, you can try a counter, something you are willing to offer right away. Include items that help keep the calm. For instance, food, a comfortable place to take a nap, or a hug. Keeping the calm also involves remaining positive and reassuring that things will work out—that there will be a solution that the other party can feel good about.
Listen to understand. Use active listening to try to see where the other person is coming from. Demonstrate that you care about the other person’s views and experience, and that you want to better wrap your head around what they want, even if you don’t agree. As one study demonstrated, empathic effort matters more than empathic accuracy for building connection.
Use connection and understanding to build a solution. Often, when you more deeply understand what others want—and particularly when you do it with an allied approach—you can often land on solutions that work for everyone involved. In the case of hostage negotiation, success means ending the situation with as few lives harmed as possible. In our everyday lives, it may mean trying to find ways to meet the desires of each party involved, like with your teenager, “Yes, you do need to be polite to me, but I get that you want more independence. Let’s talk about how that could look.” You’re trying to come up with solutions that help the other person feel like they still have some control, and you’re doing it from a place that quietly incorporates what’s important to you.
I remain fascinated by what hostage negotiators are capable of accomplishing with counterparts who seem totally unwilling to see a peaceful end. It’s an inexact science, but a seemingly powerful one. I admittedly harbor hopes that such approaches will work in larger scale conflicts. And I hope they help you through difficult moments with difficult people this holiday season.
Go Deeper With Me!
If you enjoy the kind of relational science I explore in this newsletter:
Pick up a copy of my book, Work, Parent, Thrive. In it, I explore the relationship between roles, parents and children, and partners, and the science guiding us in how to thrive in a life full of demanding roles. (Email me if you’d like to be sent a free copy of the first chapter)
Follow me on Instagram, where I attempt to regularly share science-backed ideas for relational thriving: @yaelschonbrun
I spend much of my professional time thinking about how science and clinical practice can foster relational thriving, including relationships between parents and children. A newsletter isn’t therapy, but it can be therapeutic. Send me your parenting or marital questions if you’d like to read about how social science and clinical practice can help you navigate specific relationship challenges more skillfully.
Relationally yours,
Yael
I really enjoyed this. Thank you. I’ve never been a hostage negotiator, but I have worked a LOT in customer service, and much of this sounds familiar. The moment you acknowledge the other person’s point of view, you defuse things to a great degree.
Not only is this piece reminding me that I need to reread Never Split the Difference—I was surprised by how useful it was!—it's a reminder to reread your newsletter about the link between curiosity and connection, too. (The Barbara Walters story was totally fascinating!)