Feathering Our Relational Nests
The latest relational research roundup.
Hey Riff Raff!
Right outside my kitchen window, there's been a small drama unfolding that's completely captivating. We don't keep our garden particularly tidy, which, it turns out, creates perfect hiding spots for wildlife. A few weeks ago, we discovered that a robin had built her nest in one of our overgrown bushes, and then just a few days ago, three baby birds hatched.
Watching this little family’s rituals has become my family’s ritual. The parents work tirelessly, shuttling back and forth with food, while their offspring—these incredibly gawky creatures with impossibly long necks and barely any feathers—perform their own instinctive choreography. The moment they sense a parent approaching, up go those necks, beaks open wide in desperate demand, as if the world might end if they don't get fed this very second. And the parents? They respond in what can only be described as infinite patience, carefully ensuring the baby birds get what they need, often tag-teaming to get it all done.
It's beautiful and magical, but it's also such a powerful reminder of how remarkably complex relationships of all kinds are. In this little bird family, there’s negotiation, communication, sacrifice, and what looks suspiciously like family dynamics at play. Which gets me thinking about fascinating research about how relationships work—not just the human kind, but all kinds.
So with that spirit of curiosity about connection, here's what caught my attention in the world of relational research this past month…
A Science-Backed Parenting Book That Will Make You Feel Less Terrified in our Terrifying Times.
First, let me gush about
's new book, Hello, Cruel World!: Science-Backed Strategies for Raising Terrific Kids in Terrifying Times. If you know Melinda (her previous book was How to Raise Kids Who Aren't Assholes1 and she writes an amazing Substack called Now What), you are already aware that she has a gift for taking complex research and turning it into advice that doesn’t make you feel like a parenting failure.Melinda spends a considerable amount of the book diving deep into helping kids connect with others and, crucially, helping us understand how to better connect with our kids. Plus, she covers some of my favorite research on high-quality listening—what it looks like, why it matters, and how to do it (hint, it involves three components: paying attention, comprehending the other person’s meaning, and holding positive intention2). For a sneak peek of the book, you can check out our
interview with Melinda here, or a briefer Q&A on ’s Substack, Parent Harder, Not Smarter, here.Paid subscribers: We’re giving away a copy of Melinda’s book this month! Details at the bottom.
Relational Study Surprises
This brings me to a few recent studies that surprised me in all the right ways.
Plot twist #1: Parent apologies don't just repair relationships—they fuel healthy development.
A study in the Journal of Experimental Child Psychology found that skillful parental apologies** support teens' fundamental psychological needs and overall development. When parents acknowledged their teens' experiences rather than being defensive, it satisfied three basic psychological needs that all humans crave: autonomy (feeling in control), competence (feeling capable), and relatedness (feeling connected to others). Well-crafted apologies didn't just make teens feel better in the moment; they translated into measurable improvements in overall well-being. It turns out that admitting our mistakes might be one of the most developmentally supportive things we can do as parents.
**Notably, the key distinction was between victim-centered apologies ("I'm sorry I snapped at you. You were just trying to help and I was stressed,") and defensive ones ("I'm sorry you got upset, but you weren't listening.")
Plot twist #2: Adventure vacations are good for your relationship (but don’t forget to bring your partner).
A 2024 study, published in The Annals of Tourism Research Empirical Insights3 investigated whether vacations deliver on their relationship-boosting promises, or if we’re all just Instagram victims. Turns out, couples who had "self-expanding" experiences together—trying new things, facing challenges, being adventurous—came home with more passion and relationship satisfaction. But the relationship benefits (perhaps unsurprisingly) only worked for couples who traveled together. So while we love the idea of “time apart to appreciate each other,” sometimes the real gold seems to be in being terrified of heights side-by-side.
Plot twist #3: Listening may not persuade, but it does something even better.
Two major studies revealed listening’s complexity. A large-scale field experiment published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Science had trained canvassers practice high-quality listening with 1,485 people about immigration. Result? Listening made people like the canvassers more, though it didn’t make them more persuasive. Meanwhile, a meta-analysis of 50 studies confirmed that feeling heard consistently builds trust and connection like nothing else.
The takeaway? Listening may not win arguments, but it wins relationships. In the long run, I’d argue that this is, by far, the more important outcome.
Plot twist #4: Getting listening right versus trying real hard.
A study published in the journal Emotion examined what makes us willing to share emotions, finding that both accuracy and effort mattered—but that accuracy was the stronger predictor. We need to feel like someone actually "gets it right," not just that they're trying hard but never get to the point of fully understanding.
Of course, to get it right, we have to be willing to get it wrong first and check our assumptions rather than trust our mind-reading abilities.4 This finding adds nuance to the "effort matters more than accuracy" idea. Maybe effort is what gets the relationship started and shows us someone cares, but accuracy is what makes us feel safe enough to be truly vulnerable.
Plot twist #5: “Testing” relationships backfires.
Here’s one that may ruffle relational feathers: A study published in Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice found that couples who moved in together to "test the relationship" had worse outcomes than those who moved in simply to spend more time together. This finding isn’t new, and thus warrants our thinking about its take-home message that feeling like you need to test your relationship might reveal the problem you’re trying to solve.
Ultimately, it isn’t acing the relationship test that leads to stability. It’s being committed (to one another and the relationship) to work through whatever you haven’t yet figured out.
Feathering the nest.
Whether it's apologizing non-defensively, choosing adventure over comfort, listening for accuracy instead of just effort, or committing to work through what we fail at rather than testing our way out, these studies aren't just academic curiosities. They're invitations to show up more thoughtfully for the people we love—maybe even as patiently as those robin parents outside my window.
What’s striking about this (and most!) research is how it resists easy answers. That lack of simple solutions may be frustrating for some, but I find it oddly reassuring. Every time we think we've cracked the relationship code, science gently reminds us that we humans are wonderfully, persistently complex, and immune to simple rules or prescriptions. Maybe that's why connection feels so meaningful when we get it right—not because it's easy, but because its messiness creates a depth that no formula or hack could ever match.
(It’s also why, among all the things we might eventually delegate to AI, relationships probably shouldn't be one of them…)
Book Club Update: Our October Pick Revealed!
Drumroll please… Our paid subscriber community has chosen Barbara Kingsolver's Demon Copperhead for our next book club read! I'm so excited about this one—Kingsolver has this gift for weaving human resilience into stories that stick with you.
Our book club will meet to discuss this book on Wednesday, October 8, 2025, from 12:00-1:00pm. Want to join but money's tight? Drop me a line—good books shouldn't depend on bank account balances.
Among the many reasons I like Melinda is her genius for titles;)
From The Annals of Tourism Research Empirical Insights, because apparently someone felt that "Tourism Research" needed a few more qualifiers, just to be absolutely, completely, empirically clear about what kind of insights we're dealing with here.
In an upcoming
conversation with the author of Validation, Caroline Fleck, I'll dive deeper into this paradox—how accuracy often comes from the humility to check our assumptions rather than trust our intuitive guesses.For paid subscribers: Ready to enter the book giveaway? Simply reply to this email with your favorite science-backed relationship tip (it can be something you learned here or anywhere else!). I'll randomly select a winner before the end of the month. Good luck!
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