#1, #4 and #12 especially speak to me today, but all of them are wonderful. Last night I actually engaged in some free communication about being dependably real, so #1 and #4 are super timely. Thank you for this!
This is so beautiful and true. We are terrified to reveal the innermost parts of ourselves for fear of being judged. As a coach, I particularly resonated with this statement. “If I accept the other person as something fixed, already diagnosed and classified, already shaped by [their] past, then I am doing my part to confirm this limited hypothesis.” I think this is what most of the world does.
You're so spot on with the fear of revealing ourselves to others. And the power in seeing the potential rather than the diagnosis--love the idea of applying that framing in coaching.
Ironic that I come to this post via a Substack Reads email ("Your Weekly Stack. Every week, we send you a digest of posts assembled just for you."), which also includes a post that states that " all men should be initially treated as a danger." Your/Roger's Point #7 seems to point to point out the problem in that.
Wow that is ironic. There sure is lots of advice that guides in the exact opposite direction of Rogers’ wisdom! I’m glad the science supports Rogers’ thinking!
Agreement Two copyright 1997 from Book “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz
Quote from "The Four Agreements By Don Miguel Ruiz copyright 1997"
Personal importance or taking things personally is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that “everything is about me”
During the period of our education, or our domestication, we learn to take everything personally. We think we are responsible for everything. Me, me, always me!
Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one you live in
Taking things personally makes you easy prey for those predators who try to send you emotional poison. They can hook you easily with one little opinion, and feed you all their emotional garbage. When you take it personally, you eat it up, and now it becomes your garbage. But if you don't take it personally, you are immune to the poison; you will not eat it. Immunity to emotional poison is the gift of this agreement.
When you take things personally, you feel offended, and your reaction is to defend your beliefs and create conflicts. You make something big out of something little, because you need to be right and make everybody else wrong.
You try hard to be right by giving them your own opinions. But what you say, what you do, and the opinions you have are according to the agreements you have made – and these opinions have nothing to do with the people around you. Your point of view is something personal to you. It is no one’s truth but yours.
"I have come to recognize that being trustworthy does not demand that I be rigidly consistent but that I be dependably real."
This advice, a beautiful echo of The Velveteen Rabbit, stuck out for me as the most important, elemental, and subversive one right now.
In a world where it's seemingly encouraged to be as 'unreal' as you can to become bigger, greater, or stronger, this surprisingly humble and human piece of advice rings truest to Lincoln's extraordinary prose:
"We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.”
I hadn't thought of that quote in the context of The Velveteen Rabbit, but YES. Oh I really love that. And thank you thank you for that Lincoln quote, Michael. It's perfection.
"Good communication, free communication, within or between [people], is always therapeutic."
I've been musing for a while now on the powerful healing that comes from good, free communication after a fight. After you've each been seen at your worst.
I guess if I wasn't carrying childhood hurts that wouldn't be as healing. But I am.
‘The strongest force in our universe is not overriding power, but love’.
When someone chooses to love, it’s a choice, to pay attention to another and deeply listen is also a choice. It’s your choice. It doesn’t mean that the other person has to love you back, that’s another part of the equation. If in doubt, why not just love.
#1, #4 and #12 especially speak to me today, but all of them are wonderful. Last night I actually engaged in some free communication about being dependably real, so #1 and #4 are super timely. Thank you for this!
Oh my gosh, thank you for this response, Erica!
This is so beautiful and true. We are terrified to reveal the innermost parts of ourselves for fear of being judged. As a coach, I particularly resonated with this statement. “If I accept the other person as something fixed, already diagnosed and classified, already shaped by [their] past, then I am doing my part to confirm this limited hypothesis.” I think this is what most of the world does.
You're so spot on with the fear of revealing ourselves to others. And the power in seeing the potential rather than the diagnosis--love the idea of applying that framing in coaching.
I think Carl Rogers left an important foundation for the understanding of human nature.
I could not agree more. And I think most of us could use a Carl Rogers refresher course these days.
I recently finished a master's degree in human development based on Karl Rogers ideas. It really enhanced my understanding of people.
Ironic that I come to this post via a Substack Reads email ("Your Weekly Stack. Every week, we send you a digest of posts assembled just for you."), which also includes a post that states that " all men should be initially treated as a danger." Your/Roger's Point #7 seems to point to point out the problem in that.
Wow that is ironic. There sure is lots of advice that guides in the exact opposite direction of Rogers’ wisdom! I’m glad the science supports Rogers’ thinking!
Impactful reading
Agreement Two copyright 1997 from Book “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz
Quote from "The Four Agreements By Don Miguel Ruiz copyright 1997"
Personal importance or taking things personally is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that “everything is about me”
During the period of our education, or our domestication, we learn to take everything personally. We think we are responsible for everything. Me, me, always me!
Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one you live in
Taking things personally makes you easy prey for those predators who try to send you emotional poison. They can hook you easily with one little opinion, and feed you all their emotional garbage. When you take it personally, you eat it up, and now it becomes your garbage. But if you don't take it personally, you are immune to the poison; you will not eat it. Immunity to emotional poison is the gift of this agreement.
When you take things personally, you feel offended, and your reaction is to defend your beliefs and create conflicts. You make something big out of something little, because you need to be right and make everybody else wrong.
You try hard to be right by giving them your own opinions. But what you say, what you do, and the opinions you have are according to the agreements you have made – and these opinions have nothing to do with the people around you. Your point of view is something personal to you. It is no one’s truth but yours.
The last quote resonated with me the most.
"The strongest force in our universe is not overriding power, but love."
That might be my favorite, too.
So lovely, Yael. A perfect Valentine.
Oh thank you for this!!
"I have come to recognize that being trustworthy does not demand that I be rigidly consistent but that I be dependably real."
This advice, a beautiful echo of The Velveteen Rabbit, stuck out for me as the most important, elemental, and subversive one right now.
In a world where it's seemingly encouraged to be as 'unreal' as you can to become bigger, greater, or stronger, this surprisingly humble and human piece of advice rings truest to Lincoln's extraordinary prose:
"We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.”
I hadn't thought of that quote in the context of The Velveteen Rabbit, but YES. Oh I really love that. And thank you thank you for that Lincoln quote, Michael. It's perfection.
"Good communication, free communication, within or between [people], is always therapeutic."
I've been musing for a while now on the powerful healing that comes from good, free communication after a fight. After you've each been seen at your worst.
I guess if I wasn't carrying childhood hurts that wouldn't be as healing. But I am.
That's so great you are working to heal the childhood hurts, and even doing it via healing communication. Not easy, but so very powerful.
It wasn't the plan lol
Just kinda happened that way
When I married someone who was the first person to truly see me and he had an anger problem
Many years later now...
True wisdom takes time, doesn’t it?
Oh my, it sure does
‘The strongest force in our universe is not overriding power, but love’.
When someone chooses to love, it’s a choice, to pay attention to another and deeply listen is also a choice. It’s your choice. It doesn’t mean that the other person has to love you back, that’s another part of the equation. If in doubt, why not just love.