If you’ve ever found yourself in a silent battle over who’s emptying the sink or bristled over how clean a living space should be, you’re in good company. Chore wars, whether between roommates or partners, are an incredibly common struggle.
My friend and colleague Abby Davisson’s book, Money and Love: An Intelligent Roadmap for Life's Biggest Decisions just released in paperback today. [Relational Riffs will be running a book giveaway throughout April! Paid subscribers can find entry details at the bottom of this newsletter.]
Quick thing about Abby1— she’s of those rare people who can make sense of life’s messiest dilemmas without making you feel judged for not having it all figured out. She and her co-author, Stanford Professor Myra Strober, created something genuinely helpful2: a practical, evidence-backed framework for those decisions where your heart and bank account need to have a serious conversation. Whether you’re navigating big life choices or just trying to sort out whose turn it is to take a sick day with the kids, their approach cuts through the noise and self-doubt.
When it comes to complex negotiations, this isn’t just a couples’ issue. Roommates and colleagues engage in similar passive-aggressive standoffs over coffee grounds and refrigerator real estate. It’s particularly thorny when someone who notices every water spot pals up with someone who thinks dishes clean themselves with an overnight soak. Abby and Myra’s science-backed framework helps people navigate this daily domestic battlefield.
Abby graciously agreed to tackle this universal challenge in a brief Q&A. If her approach resonates, her book unpacks much more of this wisdom (and her Substack newsletter is one of my favorites, as well). Check out the book through the link or, for paid subscribers, scroll to the bottom of this post to enter the book giveaway.
And now, let’s wade into the chore wars…
Yael: Your book focuses on making intelligent decisions. How can couples or roommates use your decision-making framework when deciding how to divide household responsibilities in a way that honors both people's priorities and values? Like, what if one person thinks the sink should be kept clear of dishes but the other thinks it's a waste of time? Compromise seems to either mean the person who cares more has to pretend they don't, or that the person who doesn't care has to put in a whole lot of effort they think is a waste. Is there a way to bridge that gap without building resentment for either person?
Abby: The first two steps of the framework are to CLARIFY and COMMUNICATE, and those are the most important steps in this example.
Reflect on why it’s important to you to have a clean sink. Does it stress you out? Did your mother teach you it was disrespectful to leave unwashed dishes in the sink? Knowing why this is important to you is a good starting point.
When it comes to communication, it’s important to avoid bringing this up when anyone is stressed, tired, or angry. Don’t do it when you run to grab a cup of coffee in between Zoom meetings and discover all the mugs are dirty and piled in the sink. Wait until you’ve cooled off, then let the other party know you’d like to plan a time to check in about household responsibilities. Try to have the conversation in a neutral environment, outside of your shared space if possible.
Share your observations in an “I” statement: “When the dishes are piled up in the sink, I feel stressed and overwhelmed.”3 While you may not reach resolution in a single conversation; your goal should be to surface the issue in a non-emotional way and get the other(s) to agree to the shared goal of finding a solution everyone can live with.
You can then move through the other steps in the framework together to identify potential solutions, which might involve paying to outsource some of the housework (that’s where the money part comes into this equation!).
Yael: In your framework, you talk about both emotional and practical considerations in decision-making. When negotiating responsibilities, how can people make decisions that balance immediate practical needs with longer-term relationship harmony?
Abby: I’m glad you asked about longer-term relationship harmony, because it’s so important to keep that big picture goal in mind. Our brains are heavily wired for the short-term, so we need to constantly remind them that we’re solving for a long-term goal – in this case, a relationship that feels equitable to both parties over the long run – in addition to trying to decide who will make dinner tonight.
Another thing to keep in mind is that negotiating responsibilities should be an ongoing discussion, not a “one and done” conversation. Needs change (especially when kids are involved), availability and preferences shift, so this is an area to revisit regularly – at least every six months – before too much resentment builds up.
For example, my husband and I use Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play method to divide household and caregiving responsibilities. I once had the role of thank you card czar (which involves a lot of kid pestering). At one point, I got fed up and threatened to ban new gifts from entering our home. Thankfully, my husband agreed to take over the thank you card writing process so our children could continue to receive gifts for their birthdays and holidays.
No relationship is exactly 50/50 all the time, nor is that the goal. There will be seasons where one partner starts a new job, is dealing with a health crisis (their own or someone else’s), or has some other reason why they need their partner to pick up more of the responsibilities. The important part is to continue communicating before, during, and after that period to make sure a temporary arrangement doesn't slide into becoming a permanent one. That's the main message of our book, in fact: don't slide — decide!
For readers who want to explore Abby and Myra’s full decision-making framework for life’s complex choices—from careers to relationships to family planning— Money and Love is now available in paperback!
You can learn more about Abby, her speaking services and workshops, and the rest, at www.abbydavisson.com.
This book is now required reading at Stanford's Graduate School of Business. I am jealous of those students—I don’t remember reading such fun books during graduate school!
Research has shown visual clutter to be linked with increased cortisol levels, especially for women.
Paid subscribers, enter below for a chance to get a free copy of Money & Love sent to you from Abby!
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