The Problem with Work-Life Balance
A powerful perspective shift for times of tension between priorities and relationships.
Today we have a guest post is written by the wonderful Dr. Jeff Perron, a clinical psychologist who writes The Psychology of Happiness, a research-backed newsletter on how live a happier, more meaningful life. If you enjoy science-backed guidance for happiness, and specific topics ranging from how to express needs effectively and Buddhism’s most important lessons, I recommend subscribing to The Psychology of Happiness—which you can do here!
Today’s post came out of a conversation Jeff and I had on the problems with work-life “balance” and beliefs about stress, and how a little-known concept called work-family enrichment can help us flourish more.
This post is meant to share a powerful perspective shift that could help you in times when you’re experiencing tension between your priorities or within your relationships.
It was inspired by a recent conversation I had with psychologist Dr. Yael Schonbrun based on her writing about working parenthood.
When we spoke, we discussed how, for years, the messaging about navigating tension between roles has been dominated by the mantra of “work-life balance.”
Yael acknowledges that work-life balance started out as a well-intentioned concept.
But, she points out, there’s an unhelpful side to the idea of work-life balance.
Instead of encapsulating the dynamic yin and yang concept of balance, modern work-life balance can feel more like an exhausting game of whack-a-mole.
Yael emphasizes that a certain level of tension in our lives and relationships is healthy.1
It’s the necessary push-and-pull of trying to get different needs met.
If we can open our stance to become curious about tension instead of reflexively seeing it as bad or a sign of “failing to find balance,” we’re better equipped to deal with it.
To illustrate, here’s a story.
Consider Paula.
Paula is a client of mine. She’s a 39-year-old mother to a 10-year old and an 8-year old.
She works full time. Despite instituting good boundaries with her work, there are inevitably times when she feels overwhelmed or “not fully caught up,” both at work and outside of work.
She perpetually feels like she should have spent just a little more time on that task at work. But when she does take extra time on something, she feels guilty and like she’s prioritizing her work over her family.
She also feels like she’s always coming up short as a friend. Last week she had to skip a friend’s birthday dinner and she “selfishly” spent that time “doing nothing.”
At home, she’s bombarded by the feeling that the meals her and her husband make for the kids aren’t quite good enough. She even gave the kids Goldfish for dinner one night and proceeded to get into a seemingly unrelated argument with her husband over an upcoming family event.
She was on the verge of tears as she told me all of this.
Paula has read books on work-life balance, listened to podcasts on work-life balance, and even led a presentation at work on work-life balance! So why does she still feel tension and fatigue? Why can’t she “figure it out?”
The Power of Beliefs
It turns out that Paula’s anxiety, guilt, and fatigue have more to do with her beliefs than her behaviours.2
I worked with Paula to highlight some of the beliefs that were contributing to her harsh judgments of herself:
A belief that “successful” parents “always” prioritize their kids.
A belief that “achieving” work-life balance means little-to-no stress about work.
A belief that stress is toxic and that if her children saw her “stressed” it could “damage” them.
A belief that the more time she spends with her kids and her partner, the better.
A belief that needing personal down time away from her partner and family is a sign of failing.
It’s not Paula’s fault that she developed these beliefs. These beliefs are common, and in many ways they’re the unfortunate consequence of unhelpful messaging about work-life balance.
The Real Problem
Yael helped me pinpoint the real issue with common messaging about work-life balance.
The issue is that it’s framed as a problem to be solved.
It’s a trap that my client Paula fell into. Instead of seeing herself as an engaged, hard working, professional woman who is an example of strength and resilience to her children, Paula saw the tension between roles as a sign that she was “losing” the work-life balance game.
Yael points out that when we think that one day we’ll get work-life balance “right” and the conflict will disappear, we’re setting ourselves up for an exhausting, unwinnable battle.
This framing gives the message that tension between our work life and home life is both bad and avoidable.
It tells us that if we have to make sacrifices for work, we’re somehow failing to achieve balance.
We’ve become so used to hearing that tension and stress are bad that we’ve developed limiting beliefs that cause us to get stressed about stress and tense about tension.
Beliefs about Stress and Tension
Do you view the fact that you have some tension and stress between your multiple priorities as a sign that you’re living a busy, engaged, and enriching life?
Or, do you see stress and tension as signs that you’re failing or weak?
Consider the implications of research by Dr. Alia Crum. Some of Crum’s most impactful studies go something like this: Participants are randomly divided into groups and are told (e.g. though a series of very short, simple videos) different messages about stress. For example:
One group views videos portraying stress as debilitating, emphasizing its negative impacts on health and performance.
Another group watches videos that frame stress as enhancing, highlighting its potential to improve immunity, creativity, and work quality under pressure.
The results are often striking.
When compared to the “stress is debilitating” group, people who learn about the healthy and useful side of stress not only report better mental health and work performance but also tend to show more adaptive physiological responses, like cortisol optimization, improved blood pressure, less fatigue, and even weight loss.
This research underscores the power of mindset in shaping how we experience and respond to stress.
Much of the common messaging around work-life balance is akin to putting ourselves into the “stress is debilitating” mode. By telling ourselves that we shouldn’t have stress and that we’re somehow failing if we experience stress or tension, we set ourselves up for lower mood, heightened anxiety, and more fatigue.
Balance = Tension
The next time you experience stress or tension, become curious about it.
Reflect on your orientation towards it.
Try saying some of the following to yourself in response to it:
Yes, I’m tired and frustrated today. This is an opportunity to show my kids that hard emotions are a part of life, and that we can tolerate them and listen to them. Pretending to be perfect isn’t helpful.
Ah tension, there you are. This is a sign that I’m a busy, engaged human working hard to live my values.
Ah stress, there you are. Of course I have stress about that meeting tomorrow. It’s something I care about. This is a sign that my body is getting ready to perform.
Holy, it’s hard to choose between a work project and seeing my friend. Of course it is, I’m a busy professional. This tension is normal. What do I need most right now?
Ah tension. This is a sign that I’m navigating multiple roles that I care about. It’s pretty good that I can to contribute to more than one thing in my life. I must be doing something right.
Wow, I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Of course, I am. I have a lot on my plate.
Wisdom for Moving Forward
Don’t get us wrong. We’re not saying that all stress is great and that you should gladly “plow forward” through whatever stress you’re experiencing.
In addition to reflecting on how you relate to stress, of course you want to check in on things that can contribute to feeling unnecessarily overwhelmed or scattered, like:
Practice expressing your needs at work and in relationships.
Re-evaluate your relationship with common time sinks like email and your phone.
Reflect on how you prioritize various roles and goals – ensuring that you’re not trying to be an all-star in multiple domains. Is the time you spend aligning with what you truly value?3
Getting reasonable sleep and nourishing your body with healthy food.
You also need to give yourself credit. What you’re doing is probably objectively hard. If you’re reading this, you’re probably the type of person who is balancing multiple values and priorities. Sometimes doing hard things is just plain hard, and that’s OK. The trouble happens when you’re doing hard things but you don’t give yourself credit or you judge yourself for the fact that it’s hard!
The reality is that living an enriching, values-based life inherently brings tension between different domains. Instead of striving for a perfect balance, embrace this tension.
And a special note to parents. Your job as a parent isn’t to show your children that you never experience stress but, instead, to model how to navigate it with resilience (not perfection).4 When you feel guilty about not being perfect, remember what your child gains from having a parent who is busy working hard to support the family. This perspective allows you to befriend tension and demonstrate to your children that tolerating frustration and handling stress is part of a healthy life. The goal, after all, is to help children navigate and tolerate tough emotions, not to shelter them from these experiences.
Embracing tension as a necessary part of living a meaningful life allows you to move forward with self-compassion, preserving your energy for what truly matters.
And, what matters = doing a reasonable (not perfect) job of living your values across the competing domains that are of importance to you.
1 I’ve been trying to remind myself of this all summer. So very much healthy tension;)
2 Close readers may notice hints of Jeff’s Canadianism based on the spelling of “behaviour.” He practices in Ottowa and you can find out more about his clinic here.
3 Folks, this isn’t just a reminder to look at your time sucks, but to actively and deliberately subtract the crap you care less about. If you’re interested in the very important science on why humans stink at subtracting—and how to get better at it—check out this article or read this book.
4 This is perhaps the best parenting reminder ever, because no matter how much you screw up, finding a way to model making it right or learning from the experience lands you in creating a terrific teaching opportunity. How’s that for making parenting lemonade out of lemons?
What I’m Listening to these days…
If you’re looking for a hilariously edifying podcast (because that’s clearly high on most peoples’ lists), boy do I have one for you. On the recommendation of my dear friend and colleague,
, I started listening to If Books Could Kill and I’m now obsessed. It’s a hilarious take-down of some of the bestselling nonfiction out there (also, FYI, it’s totally profanity-laced—beware of listening with young kids around) . The co-hosts take down a number of relational books, including parenting books (like the new bestseller, The Anxious Generation) and other classic relationship books that defined our culture (like 5 Love Languages and Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus). It’s a great listen.Care to share your favorite podcast finds? Ones that make you laugh and learn?
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Nicely put. It would be helpful to unhitch stress from judgmental thoughts “good” or “bad”. Any tips for this? A world without stress would be devoid of meaning and we’d not last long!
“Pretending to be perfect isn’t helpful.” I should get that tattooed backwards on my forehead so I read it every time I look in the mirror.