It's Not What You Gift, It's How You Gift It

A simple, science-backed way to empower your gift giving

Thank you for subscribing to Relational Riffs! This newsletter shares relational science and practices from the therapy room to guide readers in building stronger, more satisfying connections—the kind that foster a happier life. 

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The Relational Benefits of Gift-Giving

It’s easy to get cynical about gift-giving during the holiday season—especially during a time in the world that feels pretty bleak. But without pretending away the many tragedies of the world, we might look to science to help us tap into the more virtuous side of gift-giving.

Studies show that giving gifts isn’t only about entitlement or crude consumerism. Gift-giving strengthens our most important connections.

For instance, many are probably familiar with Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages. One of those five love languages is gift giving (Click here to take the online quiz), though others include acts of service, quality time, physical affection, and words of affirmation. Though the idea of love languages isn’t science-based, some research suggests it can be helpful in understanding our own and our partner’s preferences for expressing love.

But I digress.

Back to the discussion of the relational benefits of gift giving, studies show both short- and long-term impacts of gift-giving on relationships. Gift-giving can, for instance, significantly strengthen a relationship when positive emotions are evoked

Why Are Experiential Gifts Better?

You might be familiar with the advice that between a movie poster and a movie ticket, you’d be wiser to choose the ticket. According to research, gifts of experience bring more happiness than material gifts. We tend to habituate to the happiness brought about by material goods more rapidly than the happiness of experiences, making experiential gifts a more enduringly rewarding choice.

But according to a 2020 study titled “Experiential Gifts Foster Stronger Social Relationships Than Material Gifts,” the benefits of experiences as gifts don’t just make us happier, they also make relationships stronger. Experiential gifts evoke more emotion in both the receiving and the consuming of them. And emotional intensity strengthens relationships.

Give a gift of experience capitalizes on the positive emotions sparked when the person opens up the gift. But you and your gift-receiver also tap into the power of emotions sparked throughout the period during which they use the gift.

Experiential gifts bring more happiness. And they also strengthen relationships!

But You Don’t Really Need to Worry About What You Give…

What I love most about this 2020 study is the finding that we can make just about any kind of gift an experiential one. And when we do, we can make almost any kind of gift we give one that has relational benefits.

In one of the experiments within the larger study, gift-givers were each given coffee mugs (shown below). Mugs are clearly a physical item—that makes them a material gift, right?

But hang on. Many material things also have experiential components to them. A mug is a thing that you can possess. But a mug is also a thing that offers up regular experiences, like when you savor the joyful experience of your morning pick-me-up or use the coffee-cup-refill as a delightful excuse to take a quick break from staring at your computer.

The study involved two hundred people recruited to give someone they knew a wrapped mug. And, as you can see above, the mugs were identical in size and shape and weight. But they differed in emphasizing the material element or the experiential element. That is, half of the mugs had “my coffee time” inscribed on them (emphasizing the experience of drinking coffee) while the other half had “my coffee mug” inscribed on it (emphasizing the fact that a mug is a material possession). Results confirmed that recipients of the “my coffee time” mugs experienced a greater relationship strengthening effect than the “my coffee mug” recipients.

Emphasizing the experiential elements of a material item fostered greater relational benefit. As the study authors summarized, “Holding all features of the gift constant except for the extent to which the giving of an experience was highlighted, this study showed that receiving a more experiential gift is better at strengthening relationships than receiving a more material gift. Indeed, even a material gift (a coffee mug) could be made more connecting by reminding the recipient of the experience it offers (the time spent drinking coffee).”

Putting Gift-Giving Science Into Action

Because gifts often have both experiential and material features, we can consider how we give our gifts this holiday season. That is, we can be deliberate about highlighting the experiential features of whatever gifts we give. And in doing so, we can extract more relational benefit from our gift-giving.

Consider the following:

• That ornament is something to look at, but it’s also a tradition to hang it on the tree.

• The piece of art is a thing to hang on a wall, but also a thing to reflect on and be inspired by.

• The mug is a piece of ceramic, and it’s also a tool to experience the everyday delights of a morning coffee or tea.

Rather than begrudge the pressure to give gifts this holiday season, we can focus on the relationship-enhancing opportunities. We can apply the tool of emphasizing experiential features of the gifts we give to amplify those relationship benefits.

Share here if you have ideas for emphasizing experiential elements of gifts (particularly with kids)!

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Go Deeper With Me.

If you enjoy the kind of relational science I explore in this newsletter:

1. Pick up a copy of my book, Work, Parent, Thrive. In it, I explore the relationship between roles, parents and children, and partners, and the science guiding us in how to thrive in a life full of demanding roles. (Email me if you’d like to be sent a free copy of the first chapter)

   

2. Follow me on Instagram, where I attempt to regularly share science-backed ideas for relational thriving: @yaelschonbrun 

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I spend much of my professional time thinking about how science and clinical practice can foster relational thriving, including relationships between parents and children. A newsletter isn’t therapy, but it can be therapeutic. Send me your parenting or marital questions if you’d like to read about how social science and clinical practice can help you navigate specific relationship challenges more skillfully.

Relationally yours,

Yael