Why People At Fault Rarely See It That Way

A story of criminal claims of innocence in our closest relationships.

Today we’re going to talk about why people who have done something terrible always seem to think they are innocent of their crime. Let’s start with a common therapy story:

A couple shows up for therapy, each partner feeling deeply unhappy about their relationship, and each absolutely convinced it was the other partner’s fault.

Partner A’s view: Partner A is certain that the marital problems stem from Partner B’s anger issues. Whenever Partner A reaches out to connect, Partner B immediately rejects or criticizes the efforts for being ill-timed or overly intrusive. Partner A explains to the therapist that they have tried everything to get it right—Partner A has read books, attended lectures, and tried to initiate conversations exploring what Partner B is so angry about, but to no avail. It is clear in Partner A’s mind that the fault for marital problems lies squarely on Partner B’s shoulders. Partner B is responsible for how their marriage fell apart.

Partner B’s view: Partner B offers pretty different picture of fault. They assert that Partner A is portraying a fictionalized version of reality, or at least one that doesn’t begin at the beginning. From Partner B’s perspective, Partner A is never happy in their relationship. Since the beginning, Partner A was dissatisfied, routinely telling Partner B that other partners were better, other relationships more satisfying. At the start, when Partner B still felt deep fondness for Partner A, Partner B had tried various approaches to foster a more satisfying relationship. But nothing Partner B ever did seemed to move the dial. Partner B had tried to accept Partner A’s critical nature for some time, but in recent years, it had gotten to be too much to bear. Partner B is convinced Partner A is at fault for their problems.

Each partner sees themself as innocent of causing the marital problems. Each partner identifies the relationship offender as the other person.

Image by Mohamed Hassan from Pixabay

We’re all innocent.

This denial of responsibility emerges in folks who’ve been caught red-handed for far worse marital slights. In fact, studies show that even when serious crimes have been committed, people struggle to see their part in it. It turns out that we are all prone to the tendency to dismiss our own misdeeds by justifying them. It’s one of the ways the human brain protects our self-image.

Back in the 1950’s, criminal justice researchers Gresham Sykes and David Matza a theory they called “neutralization theory” which explained five different categories through which criminals justified their behavior.¹ I’ll name each category and offer a common example from the couples’ therapy room:

• Denial of responsibility: “What are you talking about? That never happened!”

• Denial of injury: “You’re not hurt, just just take your bad moods out on me because you see me as an easy target.”

• Denial of the victim: “You came at me first, I was simply defending myself from you!”

• Condemnation of the condemners: “You’re abusive.”

• Appealing to higher loyalties: “Our therapist says you can’t talk to me like that.” ²

Neutralization theory suggests that people who do bad things give themselves permission to do so by justifying why they would or should behave as they did. The theory holds that criminals (and… our partners?) neutralize values that would otherwise prohibit them from carrying out certain acts. In other words, neutralizing self-judgment frees us to engage in behaviors we or others might otherwise see as being harmful or bad when doing so has enough benefit.

And, of course, it isn’t just criminals or your partner. We all engage in this neutralizing act when we’ve done something wrong or something that we thought was right but ended up harming someone else. Yes, even you! (And yes, even me.)

Think about the last time you yelled at your partner or child and thought to yourself, “They deserved it for the way they were talking to me!” Or the time you ignored a call from your mom or your friend because you figured she had other people she could call and you were really stressed out (“How dare they be angry; don’t they understand how much I had on my plate?”).

In close relationships, we inevitably hurt others. And we inevitably justify having done so.

It is human to protect our self-image, to justify what we’ve done so we can sleep at night. This isn’t a bad impulse altogether, but left unchecked we might easily find ourselves acting out of line with our better selves and rationalizing why we did so. This can make it easy to fall into patterns of behavior that we aren’t proud of.

For this reason, it’s useful to grow awareness of the times when we are likely to justify behavior that doesn’t align with the people we most want to be.

Catch neutralizing behavior. With kind curiosity.

So, here’s my recommendation: Catch your partner or kids or parents or friends neutralizing hurtful behavior. But even more importantly, catch yourself when you inevitably notice these neutralization techniques popping up. And then, rather than damn yourself (or others) for having the impulse to justify hurtful or harmful behavior, get curious about how you’d like to more deliberately respond to those innate impulses. Ask yourself whether, justified or not, that behavior is in line with the person you most want to be inside of this relationship.

Ultimately, we can’t prevent the tendency to justify our own, our partner’s, or anyone else’s immoral or hurtful actions. But through awareness, we can do a better job of teaching them (and ourselves) to notice the tendency and clarify how we’d be most proud of proceeding.

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¹ Yes, this neutralization theory began with criminals and yes, it is strange how well it fits what happens in everyday close relationships! To wit, in an earlier version of this write-up, I explained how my three sons neutralize their own behavior within brother battles. It’s always the other brother’s fault.

² See what I did there? Yep, made a therapist the “higher power.” ;)