Most of us will spend some stretch of a relationship with a mood we didn’t ask for. Maybe it’s ours. Maybe it’s our partner’s. Sometimes it’s a rough patch that clears in a few weeks. But sometimes it’s more than that: you’re partnered with someone who is struggling mightily, and you’re trying to figure out what that makes you. A caretaker? A therapist? A hostage to their symptoms? Nobody hands you a manual.
Depression is common enough to be almost unremarkable. Yet the guidance for what to do when you’re not the one depressed, but you’re confronted with it because it’s taken a loved one hostage, is thin. What advice does exist is often anecdotal, or written for the person with depression rather than the person loving them through it. Evidence-backed, written specifically for the partner? Rare.
Enter David Dozois, PhD, professor of psychology and psychiatry at the University of Western Ontario, one of the leading researchers in cognitive vulnerability to depression, and author of the new book What to Do When Your Partner Is Depressed: Supporting Your Loved One While Caring for Yourself. David and I recorded an episode with me for Psychologists off the Clock, which comes out tomorrow. He covered the “righting reflex” and why it backfires, how to raise suicidal thoughts without making things worse, and how to stop moonlighting as your partner’s unpaid therapist.
Paid subscribers: scroll to the end of this newsletter to enter for a chance to win one of three copies of David’s book! ⬇️
But after we stopped recording, David mentioned that he was surprised I hadn’t asked more about acceptance, given how often it comes up on the show. Fair point. So I emailed him one more question, and he sent back this gem that I get to share with you all today.
Before we get to the Q&A, a quick, unglamorous interruption. My book, Why Don’t You Understand Me?: The Surprising Science Behind Connecting in a World of Missed Signals comes out in less than two months, and pre-orders really matter. You’re reading a newsletter about relationship science by choice, so I’m going to assume you’re the kind of nerd who’d enjoy the book too. If you’re in a position to pre-order, I’d be so grateful! Let me know you did so HERE so I can send you some fun pre-order bonuses (a schematic of misunderstanding cycles and some helpful scripts for understanding better).
And now onto something more useful than my sales numbers. 😜
[Edited lightly]
Yael: Let’s be honest: acceptance really isn’t something most of us want to think about when it comes to someone we love being depressed. What is the utility of accepting that depression may be along for the ride in a relationship, even though we don’t like it?
David: For me, the key is to check your thinking. If you recognize that your thinking is not aligned with the evidence (or isn’t helpful for you), then it’s important to work on that.
We can treat thoughts as hypotheses, not facts, and change our thinking accordingly. Sometimes, we may look at our thoughts and think that they are valid given the circumstances/evidence, in which case we may want to adopt some problem-solving strategies. For example, we can wonder: What can I do about this situation?
However, it’s often not this simple, and sometimes thinking isn’t the issue. Sometimes you have done what you can or problem-solving hasn’t worked. In these situations, I think we are better off working on acceptance.
I mention Steve Hayes’ "unwelcome guest” metaphor in the book. We can live life more fully even with struggles with a depressed partner when we are able to accept that this is the situation and start living according to our values as an individual and as a couple. This is not resignation, but acceptance. Like the unwelcome guest, you may not like it, but you can get on with the party.
Often, so much energy, time, and focus is on the partner’s depression and trying to change it. Sometimes this is important, but sometimes it’s important to accept that this is your plight for now as an individual and a couple. You may not be able to change that fact, but you can shift your focus to living; you can both wrestle with having a partner with depression AND live life and you are more likely to do so when you accept.
It makes me think of someone with chronic pain. You can do physiotherapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, medication, and so on (that is, you can do everything you can possibly think of), but what we often don’t realize is how catastrophizing—that is, becoming so focused on the awfulness and injustice of the pain—often makes the pain worse. By accepting that it’s there, even though you don’t like it, you can minimize the worsening of the pain, even while having the chronic pain, AND live according to your values.
If you know someone loving a person through depression and could use a little evidence over guesswork, forward this one along.
The full conversation with David goes deeper, including his answer to the question that’s probably on your mind right now: what do you do if your partner won’t get help at all?Again, that episode comes out tomorrow.
Paid subscribers: below is your shot at winning one of three copies of What to Do When Your Partner Is Depressed. (Last month’s winners of Cindy Ariel’s Autism and the Two of Us have already been notified, so if that’s not you, aim for this month’s!)
