That's What She Disclosed
A Harvard professor walked so Michael Scott could run.
Dear Riffers,
Anyone here a fan of The Office? All three of my children have joined the obsession.1 My youngest begs to watch it every night, then immediately moans that Michael Scott makes him uncomfortable. We’re all right there with you, kiddo.
A whole host of reasons explain the cringe that is Michael Scott: the racism, the misogyny, the total inability to read a room. But there’s also this: he’s got zero filter and his disclosures are almost entirely self-serving. He shares in order to be seen, validated, and loved. And that, it turns out, is exactly what makes oversharing go wrong—not the volume, but the motive.
Which brings me to something I'd like to do right now, in full awareness of my own Michael Scott energy: announce that my book, Why Don't You Understand Me?—The Surprising Science of Connecting in a World of Missed Signals, hits shelves on October 27th and is available for pre-order everywhere books are pre-ordered. (Bookshop, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and anywhere else you can pre-order. Pick one, pick all, it’s up to you. Just know my very big feelings will be on the other side of your decision 🤣.)
Is this a selfish overshare? Clinically speaking, yes. But I'm going to trust that you'll forgive me, because what follows is pretty awesome: a Q&A about oversharing.
How much to reveal, from one-on-one conversation to a newsletter, is a genuinely complex question. Thankfully, Leslie John has spent years studying it so the rest of us don't have to wing it entirely.
Leslie is a professor of psychology at Harvard Business School and the author of a new book with the perfect title: Revealing: The Underrated Power of Oversharing. She's also, I'll note, one of the most relatable humans I've encountered. That tracks given that she’s spent years studying this process that makes people feel close.2
I had the chance to ask her some questions I've been sitting with as a couples therapist, where I spend my time on the receiving end of other people's most intimate disclosures while revealing almost nothing in return.
Paid subscribers, enter to win a copy of the book at the bottom of this newsletter. Or you can buy your own (plus one for that person you’re wishing would reveal a bit more… or less?).
Yael Schonbrun: Leslie, a lot of what you write about in Revealing highlights how reciprocity of disclosure leads to greater intimacy and connection. As a couple’s therapist, I sit in asymmetric disclosure all day. Clients reveal everything about their sex lives and their fights and the mean things that they’ve said. I, in turn, reveal very little. I’m wondering what you think about how much that asymmetry costs in terms of genuine connection, or whether the therapeutic frame changes the equation entirely.
Leslie John: That’s such an interesting question. So, I’ve had therapists that share absolutely nothing about themselves and then some that share a bit. I really like the sharing a bit. I think it’s really helpful. But the normal amount of sharing, like with a friend, would be weird. And, you know, if I’m honest, a couple of moments where I’m like, that feels a little bit more than what you should be sharing with me—just a little bit more.
Yael Schonbrun: That's my feeling too. Carl Rogers wrote about the importance of authenticity in the therapy room. Most clients want to feel like their therapist is a real person, not a two-dimensional reflecting surface. But there’s certainly a level that can go too far.
Leslie John: So, as a therapist, how do you think about what to share with your clients, and when and how?3
Yael Schonbrun: I always think about it as a question of “what is the goal with the share?” In therapy, the primary goal is to help the client. So, if a share fosters connection, normalizes something the client is experiencing, or offers an example of a skill while keeping the focus mostly on the client(s), I think that can work well.
But, of course, even with more sharing than an average, non-disclosing therapist, the revealing will be asymmetric. This reminds me of Alison Fragale’s research showing that sometimes there’s a dominant person and a more submissive person, and that can actually be quite complimentary, rather than a problem. So, in parallel with that idea, do you think there are relationships where asymmetric disclosure can work well because of the differences in how people show up to relationships?
Leslie John: Oh, 1000%. The complementarities can be beautiful. For instance, I am married to someone who leans more into undersharing. We’re complimentary because I’m a little bit of an oversharer.
Yael Schonbrun: You’re oversharing, by the way, is one of my favorite features of your book. You show up so three-dimensionally, and it makes the book such a fun read.
Leslie John: Thank you, that means so much. I was determined to write a non-boring, non-fiction book, even if at my own expense!
So, on the asymmetry front, when we think of symmetrical sharing or reciprocity, it doesn’t always need to be equal. Because, to your point, there are different traits, personality traits, needs, and desires for sharing. For instance, I definitely share more than some of my best friends do. But when they tell me something, it feels more special because the person who can’t be vulnerable just told me this thing. Like, we’re besties for life. It took a lot of me sharing all of my crazy mistakes for them to give me one nugget, but it was worth it.
Yael Schonbrun: Writing, too, is inherently asymmetric in the sharing. Was that something you thought a lot about during the process of writing this book?
Leslie John: I ruminated so much about this! It’s funny, I’ve actually had several colleagues ask, “How are you feeling after sharing so much? Are you having a disclosure hangover?” A colleague said that just yesterday. And I responded, “You know what? I’ve been writing this book for five years. I have been through these rumination cycles of wondering what is TMI? And how can you write a book about revealing and not reveal?”
So, sure, there may be disclosure hangovers to come as more of my family members read the book. But when I wrote it, I had so many conversations with the really important people in my life about whom I was sharing pieces of our relationships. So it forced me to be very meta. It prompted me to recognize secrets I was keeping that I literally didn’t realize I was keeping until I was writing the book. Things that had prompted me to actually practice the science by talking to my mom about this secret, and then talk to her about whether we should share this.
And yes, the book is completely asymmetric. Reading a book is an intimate experience with the author, right? And so it felt right to have that level of sharing. But it’s interesting because when I do podcasts or newsletters, it’s a different type of thing. After all, you don’t have the intimate relationship with the audience that you do with a reader-writer situation. So I’m finding that navigating the world of what to share on a podcast or newsletter versus not is an interesting one that I’m wrestling with still.
Yael Schonbrun: What we’re talking about in terms of where on the scale of symmetry to asymmetry you are seems to come back to the context of the relationship that you’re in and what the goals are.
Leslie John: Yes, completely. What I’ve observed in life, but also seen in research, is that the asymmetries—the not feeling heard or oversharing—on the dyad level, that’s most problematic at the very beginning of friendships and relationships. That’s where it’s most salient if there’s an imbalance.
But over time, it would be weird if, with my husband, we had this feeling of needing to be tit for tat on sharing, right? Over time, it’s almost the case that the less symmetry on a day-to-day level reflects more closeness because it’s need-based as opposed to what happens in the beginning of relationships. At the beginning of relationships, there does need to be some back and forth that feels a little bit more equal.
Yael Schonbrun: That reminds me a lot of the research on transactional versus communal relationships. (I discussed this research in a previous newsletter).
Leslie John: Yes, and to your earlier point, the goal of the relationship is so important, right? Sometimes, an implicit assumption is that we want to be closer. But that’s not always the goal. For instance, at work, my goal is not always to be a close colleague with the person. And so having that kind of boundary of not sharing something with someone with whom you want to have a more professional relationship is important too.
Holding back may not come naturally to me, but at work, I don’t want to share all of my woes about wiping poopy-bums at home. In fact, sharing can be undermining. If I’m talking to a senior male colleague and I am a mom, my mom identity might undermine me if I talk too much about it.
Leslie’s book, Revealing: The Underrated Power of Oversharing, is warm, funny, and backed by serious research. Grab your own wherever books are sold, and paid subscribers, hit the button below to enter for a chance to win a copy.
