Oh man. I’ve been thinking a LOT about this subject for the last day or so, due to a conflict I am adjacent to. And I wonder how relative status plays into the decision to forgive or take revenge. Like, I am more powerful than this person, so I should forgive because I hold the cards anyway so what do I have to lose, or I should take revenge because I’m more powerful and I want to maintain that status, because I have so much to lose and how dare they. I don’t know. It just seems like when the power is unequal, this forgiveness/revenge choice is more loaded.
Yes, totally, the power piece is totally relevant! I can’t remember all the details, but the book definitely discusses how part of what retaliation does is put the transgressor below the person who has been harmed. But maybe what you’re saying is that the choice to take retaliatory measures may depend on status, in the first place, which sounds right, though I can’t recall if the book discussed that. So interesting and I can see why it would occupy your mind!
I appreciate you carving a new space for what is called revenge...and sometimes is a basic search for some kind of justice, delivered in a way to compensate the hurt. When no consequences will affect the aggressor, we need to se us doing something to even the balance. With a bit of courage, can you open this post to readers' stories? "What did you do, when growing up and unjustly beaten or punished for something you didn't do? Being the parents' black sheep is hurtful...please tell what did you do, in secret, to get even and recover your self-image?"
That, really, would move the conversation in the right direction...and help children recover some of their sense of power and dignity.
Thank you for this touching comment, and you are absolutely right that we should open up the dialogue for more conversation/sharing about ways that revenge can help us create more safety and recover from harms. Your suggestion to add a question is terrific, I'll try to edit the end of the post to include that. Thank you, Nora.
I've coincidentally been mulling over the nature of forgiveness and--well, anger rather than revenge, but close enough--like, forgiveness, what? I'm mostly inclined toward it in the ways and for the reasons you/McCullough discuss. But in light of the fact that anger can also be appropriate, I've struggled with the act vs. the feeling of forgiveness. I was (am) even thinking of doing a post about it because that's how I think things out. Like, I can perform acts of forgiveness, but the feelings don't always go hand in hand with the rational part of that. I appreciate this boost in thinking about this!
Oh man. I’ve been thinking a LOT about this subject for the last day or so, due to a conflict I am adjacent to. And I wonder how relative status plays into the decision to forgive or take revenge. Like, I am more powerful than this person, so I should forgive because I hold the cards anyway so what do I have to lose, or I should take revenge because I’m more powerful and I want to maintain that status, because I have so much to lose and how dare they. I don’t know. It just seems like when the power is unequal, this forgiveness/revenge choice is more loaded.
Yes, totally, the power piece is totally relevant! I can’t remember all the details, but the book definitely discusses how part of what retaliation does is put the transgressor below the person who has been harmed. But maybe what you’re saying is that the choice to take retaliatory measures may depend on status, in the first place, which sounds right, though I can’t recall if the book discussed that. So interesting and I can see why it would occupy your mind!
I appreciate you carving a new space for what is called revenge...and sometimes is a basic search for some kind of justice, delivered in a way to compensate the hurt. When no consequences will affect the aggressor, we need to se us doing something to even the balance. With a bit of courage, can you open this post to readers' stories? "What did you do, when growing up and unjustly beaten or punished for something you didn't do? Being the parents' black sheep is hurtful...please tell what did you do, in secret, to get even and recover your self-image?"
That, really, would move the conversation in the right direction...and help children recover some of their sense of power and dignity.
Thank you for this touching comment, and you are absolutely right that we should open up the dialogue for more conversation/sharing about ways that revenge can help us create more safety and recover from harms. Your suggestion to add a question is terrific, I'll try to edit the end of the post to include that. Thank you, Nora.
I've coincidentally been mulling over the nature of forgiveness and--well, anger rather than revenge, but close enough--like, forgiveness, what? I'm mostly inclined toward it in the ways and for the reasons you/McCullough discuss. But in light of the fact that anger can also be appropriate, I've struggled with the act vs. the feeling of forgiveness. I was (am) even thinking of doing a post about it because that's how I think things out. Like, I can perform acts of forgiveness, but the feelings don't always go hand in hand with the rational part of that. I appreciate this boost in thinking about this!
I really thought I had responded to you, Erica, but now I don't see it!
I checked the "also share to Notes" box, and you responded to the Notes version--is that what you're remembering?
Yes!! Sheesh, so many channels of communication;)